The End

Sadly, this is my last Ridiculum update ever. I always planned this to be a 3L side project and since I am graduating in a couple of weeks it's time to put the ol' humor blog to rest. I want to thank all of you who read these posts and let y'all know that the positive feedback really motivated me to continue writing. For those of you graduating this year good luck in a turbulent economy. And for those of you who are actual attorneys, depending on how that character and fitness process goes, I hope to be joining your ranks shortly.

-Matt Lipsky

Extra Headlines

I thought y'all would enjoy some of the headlines that unfortunately never became posts:

* Draft Pick Asks to Split Season Between NBA Teams
* TA Fails to Get Bonus After Billing Only 18 Hours
* Supreme Court Says Docket Shrinkage Not What it Looks Like
* 1L Indicted in Mail Folder Fraud
* Corporate Embezzlers Derided as Fidouche Bags
* Law Student Wishes Girlfriend Had World Limit
* Fraternity Creates Chapter in Law Firm Corporate Department
* McDonald's Saddened it could not make 100% Offers this Year
* 3L Takes Notes on Whatever Scrap Paper Available
* Sorry that didn't Please the Court, by the Court
* Wife Gives Husband Cold Offer for Sex
* Law Student Gets Off on Technicality
* 3L Spends Vacation Planning Next Vacation
* Once you go Mac you Never go Back
* Please Slow Down. I don't Speak Fluent Lawyer.
* 3L Not Letting Anyone in Library get their Work Done
* Attorney Review: I Appreciate (No I don't) your Insightful (Stupid) Comments on that Assignment (Busywork)
* Lawyer Can't Stop Pointing out Things Wrong with Law and Order
* Lawyer Maps Out Life Plan in Outline Form

Gunner's Paradise

Since this is my last issue I thought it fitting to to give y'all something different. Enjoy this law school parody of Coolio's Gangsta's Paradise, of course modeled after Weird Al's Amish Paradise. If you need the context, click here for the Amish Paradise video.

As I walk through the green zone where I park my car
I look towards the law school and realize it's very far
But that's just perfect for a gunner like me
Gives me plenty of time to ponder legal theory
Early in the morning I'm briefing cases
Making notations in pen that never erases ... fool
See, I've been briefing and highlighting for so long
That nothing I do can be considered wrong
I'm a man of the law, I'm into precedent
Got so many dazzling ideas people think I'm heaven sent
Ergo, don't try to challenge me, that's an idea you should abort
Cause, I'll see you when I'm clerking for the Supreme Court!

I've been spending most my life
Living in a Gunner's paradise
Your attempt at answering won't suffice
Living in a Gunner's paradise
Nothing I say is remotely concise
Living in a Gunner's paradise
After raising my hand all class I need some ice
Living in a Gunner's paradise

A classmate made me the butt of a joke last week
He said, "How often is that asshole gonna speak?"
But I just ignored him, I didn't even sob
Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he doesn't get a job
I sit in the front row so I can be conspicuous
A gunner with modesty?
You know that's ridiculous
I love to get the prof to look in my direction
And I must admit
The Law Journal gives me an erection ... fool
Sure, I'll point out your argument's fatal flaw
Go ahead and send that to Above the Law
Even if you say I'm wrong, my confidence won't be shaken
Because, of course, it's you who's mistaken

I've got no qualms, no doubts, no inhibitions
Not an iota of humility
Like Justice Cardozo
I am as erudite as can be

I've been spending most my life
Living in a Gunner's paradise
I take brilliance to new heights
Living in a Gunner's paradise
I've conceded a point only once or twice
Living in a Gunner's paradise
Want my knowledge, I'll break off a slice
Living in a Gunner's paradise

Pesterin the professor, takin all the row space
Asked a girl out monday, got slapped in the face
Think you're quite intelligent?
Think you're really smart?
Well I'm a million times as incisive as thou art
I'm the brainy guy all my section wants to emulate
Always waving my hand, my questions can never wait
So don't ignore me, you ain't got the nerve
Because,my brother, I will be the one setting the motherfuckin curve

I've been spending most my life
Living in a Gunner's paradise
I'm omniscient like Jesus Christ
Living in an Gunner's paradise
Civ Pro fills my dreams at night
Living in Gunner's paradise
Having some friends sure would be nice
Living in a Gunner's paradise

Groupies Prove to Be Too Much for Humor Blog Author

According to police, famed legal satire blog author and Duke Law School 3L Matt Lipsky was found dead last night in his spacious, 7 bedroom house. While the investigation is still underway, sources confirm that the renowned satirist likely died from an heart attack induced by an orgy with numerous, extremely hot blog groupies.

Found throughout Lipsky's house were an assortment of discarded lingerie and half naked, completely satisfied women, all professing their undying love for the creator of Ridiculum, a blog dedicated to poking fun at law school, the legal profession and the world at large. The orgy participants talked about the author with a mixture of profound admiration and utter sadness.

"It's unbelievable that he's gone" said Hilda Bergstrom, a stunning Swedish model, between deep breaths indicating complete fulfillment. "He was such an amazing, comical man and the world is now less rich without his and his blog's presence."

Another female admirer of Lipsky's expressed despair at the humorist's passing as well as amazement that, considering the intensity and frequency with which he and his various groupies "did it", he had any energy left to create a high quality, web log.

"I can't tell you how surprised I was that, after the thunderous love-making sessions we had on a weekly basis, Matt was then able to put his fingers to the keyboard and create consistently funny posts," remarked Garbiella Souza, a stunning half-Brazlian, half-Japanese Ridiculum fan who followed the blog since its very first post on August 26, 2008. "I personally was exhausted for days afterward."

The examiner who conducted Lipsky's autopsy remarked that he was astonished that the humor prodigy didn't expire sooner.

"Considering the arduous physical demands put on this young man's body by these incredibly attractive, virtually insatiable groupies, I'm flabbergasted he didn't experience cardiac arrest earlier," explained Anthony Marino, chief medical examiner for the Duke University Hospital. "I probably would have suffered a heart attack just looking at some of these unparalleled beauties."

According to friends, Lipsky's cadre of undying devotees extended beyond some of the world's most breathtaking women. He was known to count among his passionately dedicated fans leading intellectuals, poets, writers, artists and rich divorcees. Sources within the White House also report that President Obama, after making his first official phone call to Palestinian President Abbas, reached out to Lipsky to congratulate him for his "amazingly sharp and witty blog."

To help defray funeral costs, the author's estate will soon begin selling some of his personal effects. Not surprisingly, experts believe that these items will fetch thousands if not hundreds of thousands of dollars.

"Mr. Lipsky was a luminary in the satire world so it's no surprise that his loyal fans are fighting with each other to own things like the PDA where he jotted down ideas and the computer where he composed his creative pieces," remarked Sandy Rose, an auctioneer at Southeby's. "A rather impassioned set of young women have also contacted me about whether his bed is for sale. I haven't been able to figure that one out."

According to his family, Lipsky's funeral will take place at the end of the week. They expect attendance to reach into the thousands considering that everyone from committed followers to world leaders plan to come.

Yael Cohen, an Israeli actress and sex icon, said she would not miss the funeral "for anything in the world" but isn't sure if she'll be able to remain composed.

"I am going to miss Matt and his incredible blog so damn much," remarked Cohen, wiping away copious tears. "I'll probably start bawling uncontrollably as they lower his casket into the ground. At least when I get lonely I will always be able to go to http://www.ridiculumblog.com and re-read the entries that, like the author, kept me utterly entertained."

Lipsky published Ridiculum from 2008 to 2009. He wrote over 60 entries satirizing everything from the economic downturn to law student intensity. Considering the success of his blog, Lipsky will be sorely missed, especially by those thousands of groupies that he unquestionably satisfied over this past year.

Students to Graduate with Dishonors

Duke students who perform exceptionally well during their tenure at the law school are recognized with various graduation honors. Since last semester exams still must be graded, the law school has not yet announced the accolade recipients. In the mean time, however, Duke's administration has declared that students who have disgraced the university in some manner will graduate with dishonors. Though specific names have not been released, the school has provided additional information about these new "prizes."

"We are privileged to have had a number of incredibly brilliant, hard working people attend this law school," stated Amanda Lipton, Duke Law School's Dean of Academic Affairs. "Sadly, Duke has also seen its fair share of disinterested, poor performing idlers over these past three years and we're not going to let them get away unnoticed."

Lipton announced that for the first time the law school will spotlight students at graduation whose time at Duke Law was marred by laziness, dubious morality and overall dimwittedness.

"One category of dishonors focuses on students who due to poor attendance, failures to contribute to class discussion and horrible work ethics contributed absolutely nothing to the law school's rigorous intellectual environment," continued Lipton. "And of course we will point out the students with the lowest GPAs to make those who failed to receive academic honors feel better."

Duke administrators report that certain students will graduate with a lack of positive distinction for reasons wholly unrelated to grades.

"The Duke School of Law is firmly committed providing legal services to the less fortunate, stated a passionate Deborah Plamovich, a professor of International Law and member of the administrative committee that selected the students who would receive graduation dishonors. "That is why we decided to shame students who performed minimal or no pro-bono work by letting friends, family and other graduation attendees know about their obvious disregard for the well being of others."

Those planning the law school's graduation emphasized that they chose to single out other students based on apparent deficiencies in moral character.

"An attorney cannot succeed on brains alone; he or she must also have a strong ethical core," asserted Jim Winton, Duke's Assistant Dean of Student Affairs. "The recipients of the immorality dishonor have all demonstrated that they are willing to break any and all rules just to get ahead. If one of these award winners gets disbarred, the only surprising thing would be that he or she got admitted to the bar in the first place."

A final "catchall" dishonor will be given to students who engaged in miscellaneous ignominious behavior over their three years at Duke. After soliciting student input, the selection committee announced that it would recognize one law student who incessantly and creepily hit on girls - earning the nickname "Mr. Grabbyhands" - and another student who constantly shirked his duties while participating in group projects.

Some students reacted negatively to the administration's decision to hand out dishonors at graduation.

"It seems quite unbecoming for a law school to essentially make fun of its graduating students," declared Duke 3L Jan Polaski. "This type of behavior, if engaged in at all, should be relegated to student-selected 3L superlatives."

Duke Law School's dean, who commented on the condition of anonymity, strongly disagreed with Polaski.

"Not only are these dishonors appropriate assessments but they also warn future graduates that with outrageous behavior comes humiliation," asserted the nameless Dean. "Moreover, after seeing how Jan talked with that female Ridiculum reporter, I am pretty sure he is the Mr. Grabbyhands we'll be dishonoring in only a couple of weeks. Figures he's against this."

Associate Realizes He Can't Cruise Through Firm Like He Did Law School

Duke Law School graduate and 1st year real estate associate Thomas Finnegan considered himself quite lucky not to have a pushed back start date. Following three years of classes, papers and exams, he was ready to begin the actual practice of law. However, after only a few weeks on the job Finnegan abruptly realized that he wouldn't be able to do minimal work and still get by as was the case in law school.

"Especially during 2L and 3L year I hardly put in any effort yet suffered no negative repercussions," remarked Finnegan, underscoring that despite a precipitous GPA drop he still maintained the firm job procured during the on campus interview process. "When I arrived at the firm, though, I was told by colleagues that if I didn't work hard every day I would get into major trouble if not fired. That is certainly not the lesson I learned from law school."

As a law student, Finnegan graduated despite hardly going to class, barely doing his reading and writing poorly researched papers. Finnegan's lackadaisical attitude, however, proved unhelpful as he began working on various transactions.

"Every morning the real estate team I'm on meets to discuss the progress of the deal, reviewing the never ending stream of documents the lender's counsel sends over," stated the former Duke student. "Of course I didn't look the new stuff over, figuring that [Corporate Partner Wesley] Clark already called on me the last meeting. That was definitely a mistake because when he questioned me about the contents of the purchase agreement I just looked at him like a dumbass. It turns out that, unlike at law school, I always need to do the reading."

Not only has Finnegan grasped that he must remain informed about all relevant documentation, he has also begun to appreciate that attendance at all these meetings is mandatory.

"I believed that if I went to at least a majority of these strategy sessions things would be fine," expressed Finnegan, figuring that things would be ok considering that he only went to 50% of his 3L classes and still passed. "Lo and behold that is grounds for termination at a law firm."

Finnegan reports that there are other things that were certainly acceptable in law school but are definitely not in the firm. According to the 1st year associate, management does not approve of employees who come in only three days a week, get deal notes from friends and doze off during conference calls.

It appears that the new real estate associate isn't the first one to have a rude awakening that he can't cruise through the firm like he did in law school. Countless other recently graduated students have reported that they've had to adjust to concept of putting in maximum effort to succeed. Despite candid advice and stern warnings, an unfortunate few never are able to unlearn their bad habits.

"I still remember the story of Dara Springer, a Harvard Law graduate from last year's class who was a notorious slacker," stated Dan Lee, a second year associate at Finnegan's firm, who mentioned that Springer loved to brag about how she did zero work in law school, pointing out that she never even learned how to bluebook properly. "Well during the first couple weeks she was given a memo to write analyzing a contentious legal issue in an important securities litigation case. It was so poorly written and featured such awful citations that she was eventually let go when the firm started downsizing."

Lee continued: "So the moral is: if you ever want a chance of succeeding at a law firm, forget everything you learned in law school."

Students Sentenced to Two Years of Journal Work

As punishment for wanting to work a firm after graduation, numerous first year Duke Law students were sentenced today to two years of journal work. The bad news was delivered by rising 3Ls who are members of the various journals' executive boards.

"It's never easy telling a jubilant law student who has recently finished his or her first year that starting in year two they will begin serving their journal sentence," remarked Paul Trent, an Editor-in-Chief for one of Duke University School of Law's topical journals. "But we try to sugar coat things by telling the incoming prisoners that they'll learn a lot and actually enjoy the experience. If they only knew the truth."

In order to enhance their resume and boost chances of landing a firm job, Duke 1Ls compete in a casenote competition where students write a 15 page sample article after completing their 3 spring semester finals. Based on the quality of this submission and applicant's grades, journals then choose which students to lock down for two years.

According to those who have gone through the system, journal editors are imprisoned within a world of grammar checking, impossible deadlines, and intractable authors. They are made to suffer through hours of solitary confinement with only their computer and bluebook as companions. The mind numbing tasks and lack of human contact, say sources, even cause certain students to go insane.

For one rising second year inmate, the experience is worse than anything he could have imagined.

"I can't think of anything more cruel or unusual than editing 120 footnotes worth of material in only a few days," claimed Georgia Brunk, a Duke 2L. "Not to mention the awful paper cuts I get from thumbing through the printed out versions. I can't imagine forced sodomy is much worse."

Other 2Ls added that despite certain perceptions, one cannot less his or her punishment no matter what.

"I think that certain 1Ls believe that if they serve a year then they're basically are done with their imprisonment," mentioned Dan Lagunes, a wizened veteran of Duke's journal system. "Nothing could be further from the truth. Even if you decide not to run for the exec board you still have to edit tons of articles in your third year. There is no reduced sentence for good behavior or high quality work."

Lagunes added that pleas for leniency do no good in a place as harsh as the journal world.

"I have seen students beg the editors for mercy, asking for an extended deadline or a reduced editing load," added Lagunes. "Usually these journal wardens just laugh in your face and end up giving you the worst assignments. I've learned that it's best just to keep your head down and not cause any trouble."

Perhaps more surprising than the ruthlessness of the incarceration is the fact that certain people actually enjoy it.

"As hard as it is to believe, there are people who actually thrive doing journal work," related Brunk, explaining that she wasn't "spouting bullshit." "There are certain masochists who really enjoy the pain of never sleeping, never going out and never leaving the journal office. Only in law school. Only in law school."

1Ls Almost Done with First Year Hazing

First year law students, or "pledges" as many like to call them, are finally coming to the end of a grueling 1 year hazing process driven by relentless professors and administrators. For many, the anticipation that this will all soon be finished is palpable.

"Oh my god I cannot wait until this process is over," exclaimed Melvin Campos, a Duke Law School 1L with bloodshot eyes, a conspicuous nervous tick, and unexplainable bruises on his arm. "This entire year has been one unbelievable task after another and I can't wait until the whole damn thing is over."

Campos and others pointed out that this year's 1L curriculum featured numerous sadistic tests that the first years years had to complete in order to remain members of the law school.

"Reading hundreds of pages, trying to decipher unintelligible material and unintelligible professors, cold calling, difficult final exams, applying for jobs in a terrible economy, and the list goes on," remarked Toby Best, another Duke 1L, explaining how he and his classmates are hazed. "And on top of that they make our legal writing briefs due after Spring Break. What a set of cruel, vicious bastards!"

The cruel, vicious bastards Best was referring to are the 1L's taskmasters, a group of Duke professors and administrations. This tightly knit cabal of law school power brokers sets the curriculum each year, deciding how best to haze each new set of incoming students.

"Before students can become true members of the Duke Law community they have to really work for it, showing they are dedicated no matter how temporarily painful," said a taskmaster and Torts professor who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "That is why students who want to be on a journal have to complete a 15 page casenote after a series of exhausting finals. They have to demonstrate ... hey you, 1L, bring me a cup of coffee pronto!"

According to students who were members of actual fraternities as undergraduates, the law school pledging process is much worse.

"Honestly, I'd rather do an elephant walk or be made to drink my frat brother's urine than go through legal writing again," admitted Ryan Ferrey, a Duke 1L and member of the Delta Sigma Phi fraternity while at UCLA. "That was pure torture."

For some the punishing tasks become too much and they end up dropping out. Even for those that survive the mental and physical toll is tremendous. As a result, certain groups are pushing for stricter anti-hazing laws.

"At law schools across the country, 1Ls are being forced to endure unspeakable horrors," proclaimed Charlotte Pimiter, head of the group Stop Hazing Now. "These acts result in sleep deprivation, hair loss, deflated self-esteem and even mental breakdown. For the sake of these young men and women, we must stop law school hazing."

The question for advocates like Pimiter is how can this process continue despite its obvious dangers. Students say one possible answer is upperclassman schadenfreude.

"The first year of law school sucks now just as it did for me," said Allan Beyer, a Duke Law School 3L. "However, this doesn't mean that current or future 1Ls should get a break. Knowing that 1Ls have to put tremendous effort into their exams while I do not gives me tremendous joy."

Unfortunately for the current crop of 1Ls, the hellishness of first year hazing will not completely disappear over the next two years.

"The most awful and insidious aspect of law school hazing is that they make you think it's over after 1L year," warned 2L Lacy Cutter. "But while things get a little easier, the repulsive tasks don't end just because 2L year begins. If that was the case I wouldn't have just spent 5 hours studying the Model Rules of Professional Conduct for my ethics exam and another 10 hours editing a journal article written by someone with no more than a 6th grade reading level."

Lame Duck 3L Trying to Solidify His Legacy

With only a few weeks until graduation, many third year students are asking themselves how they'll be remembered by their law school peers. Duke Law School 3L Tim Sasario is not leaving that memory to chance and, as a result, is actively trying to shape his legacy.

"I was pretty productive during my time here at Duke - I was a member of the Moot Court Board, got decent grades and won the bowling league one semester - but I wonder if that's enough," pondered Sasario. "I want current classmates and future students to say, 'Sure I know of Tim Sasario. He was one hell of a law student.'"

As part of the lame duck 3L's effort to influence how people remember him, Sasario has attempted to repair certain negative aspects of his reputation. Like many men concerned about legacy, he has tried to reach a rapprochement with various enemies.

"Yeah I have pissed off a lot of girls here at Duke, particularly ex-girlfriends I dumped and one night stands who thought they were going to get a serious relationship," admitted Sasario, who then proceeded to list about a half dozen female law students who would want nothing more than to slowly crush his gonads. "Though it will be difficult, I believe I can reach peace accords with these currently hostile foes, finally ending many months if not years of intense conflict."

In addition to mollifying the women whom he has angered, Sasario plans to reach out to heretofore ignored segments of the Duke Law community.

"Unfortunately I have not done enough during law school to reach out to our foreign students," stated the Duke 3L. "These LLMs are important members of our global community and I promise to engage each one in meaningful dialogue. Just because these students have accents and crazy sounding names is no reason why they should be disregarded."

Sasario has also attempted to change perceptions that he is a "total slacker." According to the 3L he is going to "study [his] ass off for finals," which will consist of going the library, reading his notes, creating numerous outline and "buying those study aides that I see all those gunner nerds using."

Besides fixing his bad reputation, Sasario plans to emphasize during these final few weeks the positive things people remember about him.

"Everyone knows I am quite the partier, like that one time I got so drunk I literally rode [Duke Law School 3L] Sandra [Dasani] thinking she was the Shooters mechanical bull," claimed Sasario. "Well, I am going to reinforce that legacy by going fucking nuts once I am done with exams. If I wake up on that Saturday morning and remember anything about that previous night I will label the whole thing a failure."

The Duke 3L also sees donating money to the school as a guaranteed way to solidify his standing.

"Do I really give two shits about the law school? No. But do I want people to think I give two shits about the law school? Yes." stated Sasario. "That's why I gave to the class gift fund. However, since people don't know how much one donates, I ended up contributing only $10. You're not going to print this, right?"

Donna Jarvison, a widely-published historian and expert in presidential legacies, doubts whether Sasario's efforts will have any effect.

"Lame duck Presidents have often tried to create long-lasting legacies through last-ditch efforts at peace in the Middle East or a broad humanitarian gesture," averred Jarvison. "As history shows us, however, a world leader will be remembered for everything he does not just those actions toward the end of his career. Therefore, I think that if Sasario was a barely known, alcoholic douche for most of his law school tenure that is how he'll be remembered."

When asked whether Jarvison's analysis was correct, fellow Duke 3L Sam Hall responded: "Who the hell is Tim Sasario?"

Jews Still Refuse to Admit Guilt in 2000 Year Old Jesus Murder Case

Though Easter is generally considered a time of celebration and reflection, this year's holiday has brought with it considerable controversy. Partially inspired by the retelling of the Passion story that often occurs during Holy Week, an umbrella group called the Bring the Jews to Justice Coalition (BJJC) has renewed its call to finally prosecute the Jews for allegedly killing God's only son approximately 2009 years ago.

The BJJC filed a civil complaint this morning in the Eastern District of North Carolina alleging 1 count of wrongful deicide, the murder of a god or similar deity, and conspiracy to commit deicide.

"I don't how many times we have to say this but these charges are absolutely baseless," remarked Alan Dershowitz, a Harvard Law Professor and attorney representing the Jews. "Yet again the Jewish people have been made scapegoats, this time for something that happened over 2000 years ago. I am pretty sure that's beyond the statute of limitations."

Thomas Mydans, President of the Bring the Jews to Justice Coalition, retorted that though the alleged killing took place in the past that shouldn't prevent the case from going forward.

"I know that the death of Jesus occurred thousands of years ago but since when is prosecution of murder limited by time?" said Mydans during a recent press conference as he wiped away a tear with his handkerchief. "It's important that this case finally get some resolution and I firmly believe that closure in matters like these has no expiration date!"

This is not the first time the Jews have been accused of murdering Jesus of Nazerth, also known as Jesus Christ. As a result, the Jews were prepared to quickly file court documents replying to the charge that they caused the death of the Christian world's savior.

"I am sorry if this sounds familiar but Jesus was Jewish, his disciples were Jewish and the last supper was a Passover Seder," pointed out Dershowitz, placing his forehead in his hand as a sign of exasperation. "Admittedly, a few Jews may have been involved in Jesus' crucifixion - we all have black sheep in our families - but you can't bring charges against an entire people for something that happened so long ago."

Dershowitz added: "In the alternative, I'd like to proffer that, under a coercion theory, the Romans made us do it."

The Jews' legal counsel have argued that the BJJC's claims are absolutely specious and should be thrown out under Rule 12(b)(6) which directs judges to dismiss claims if there's an insufficient cause of action. The bigger problem, though, is that even if the case is thrown out the Jews still have to worry about the court of public opinion.

According to a survey commissioned by the Anti-Defamation League (ADL), a group dedicated to fighting anti-Semitism, about 25% of Americans still believe that the Jews were responsible for Jesus' murder. While this is a decrease from previous decades and millennia, Jewish leaders like ADL President Abraham Foxman are very concerned.

"The BJJC never thought it has a viable legal case," averred Foxman. "However, they did believe that this execrable lawsuit would further fan the flames of Jew hatred across the country. Unfortunately, despite not accurately presenting the facts, this band of bigots may end up being quite successful. Sound familiar Mel?"

This isn't the first time that Jews have been sued as a group. The Jews have have to defend against charges of blowing up of the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001, inciting both World Wars I and II, using the blood of Christian babies for matzo, "establishing a shadow government run by 300 satans who call themselves 'Elders'" and permitting Rob Schneider to continue making movies.

Despite the outcry from Jewish groups as well as most Christian faiths, accusers point to solid evidence in the bible that depicts Jews as responsible for, or at least complicit in, Jesus' slaying.

"The Gospel of Mark clearly says that the Jews cried out again and again that Jesus should be crucified," stated Mydans, the BJCC president. "Luke, Matthew and John have similar stories. I believe that what lawyers like to call corroborating evidence. Boo yah!"

Dershowitz vehemently disagrees with Mydans, stating that the BJCC in fact has no credible evidence and that the Jews will not admit guilt.

"I must reiterate that the Jews are completely innocent and there is no way we're going to settle," exclaimed Dershowitz. "The other side has no living eyewitnesses, and the accounts they do have all contradict one another. Not only do I believe we will emerge victorious, but I am also confident that by winning this case we will prevent people from blaming the Jews once and for all."