Dean Levi Implements Stricter Gunner Control

In an effort to improve the overall educational atmosphere at Duke Law, Dean Levi has announced several measures to severely restrict gunners. Responding to complaints that gunners have been riddling classroom dialogue with semi-automatic bursts of questions and pontification, the dean has declared the time is ripe for action.

“Gunners are dangerous, pure and simple,” remarked the dean in a recent statement. “They are harmful to the learning process and to the reputation of the school. In fact, just one gunner can inflict tremendous damage on a seminar or even a lecture.”

Responding to input from a committee of administrators and student leaders, Dean Levi’s reforms are far-ranging in their effort to restrain the harmful effects of gunners. The new rules include requiring muzzles or mouth locks on known gunners and having gunner monitors in each classroom. Another important regulation necessitates that students, before being able to talk in class, must obtain speaking permits from the newly created Office of Gunner Affairs (OGA).

According to sources within the OGA, before a student is permitted to speak, he or she must undergo a thorough background check that stretches as far back as high school. The examination seeks to determine whether the applicant has a history of uncontrolled commenting, impulsive hand-raising or oozing self-importance. Even if the permit is granted, the applicant will have to successfully complete a probationary period where any gunnerish activity within 2 weeks of the permit’s issuance will result in an automatic forfeiture of speaking privileges.

Many students are quite supportive of Duke’s move to curb gunnerism.

“Though I wish this had happened sooner, I am glad the administration is now taking action,” remarked 2L Brett Jacobson. “These people are like shotguns, spewing forth bullshit in every possible direction, hoping one of their silly points or overblown theories actually hits the target. This type of behavior must be controlled, if not banned completely.”

Duke's administration points to a recent Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis (JABA) study as support for its gunner clampdown. The JABA report found that gunner behavior can be quite harmful, especially for those experiencing it at a close range. Distractions such as scowling when another student wrongly answers a question, propping one’s hand up by the elbow, or grunting in order attract the professor’s attention, are, according to the study, more discernible and therefore more injurious the closer a student is to an active gunner.

Despite general support, certain groups and individuals have received Dean Levi’s proposals poorly, with free speech and gunner rights advocates particularly upset by the reforms.

“Dean Levi’s actions are inappropriate for two reasons,” free speech activist and former Duke Law professor Erwin Chemerinsky stated. First, he shows obvious disregard for the First Amendment and second his actions are over-broad, failing to distinguish between gunners who constructively add to the conversation and those that don’t.”

Moses Charles, president of the National Rhetoric Association, a gunner rights organization concurred, adding: “As much as anyone else, gunners have a right to bare their arms so that professors can call on them. If Dean Levi is to take away this fundamental freedom, he’ll have to pry it out of gunners’ constantly waving, always raised hands.”

Dean Levi responded: “Shut up you gunner.”