At Least I have a Hotter Girlfriend, Thinks 4th Tier Law Student

Thomas M. Cooley Law School 3L Jonas Simon doesn't have many job prospects for after graduation. Even the possibilities he's exploring are relatively undesirable and will only pay a low five figure salary. Worsening the situation is that Simon, like other students who attend low ranked law schools, will soon be saddled with tremendous debt. Overall, especially compared to students at top tier institutions, Simon is in pretty bad shape. That is why he is at least minimally cheered up by the fact that his girlfriend is way hotter than any chick who goes to schools like Harvard, Yale and Stanford.

"I have started to realize that attending a school like Thomas M. Cooley was a gigantic mistake," remarked a glum Simon. "That is why I take a smidgen of solace in the fact that my serious girlfriend Heather, a former model and dancer, is at least 10 times more smoking than the nerdy girls who are locked in the libraries of the top 14 law schools."

The Cooley 3L noticed right away that his quality of education did not match that of higher ranked schools.

"Most of my 1L teachers either had no teaching experience or were so old that they didn't care anymore," stated Simon. "The worst was my Torts instructor, Professor Gupta, who was so lazy that he randomly assigned us final grades. All the bastard received as punishment was a temporary suspension. After hearing what happened, the only thing that calmed me down was the heavenly, fully nude oil message Heather gave me that very night."

Simon regrets that he did not heed people's advice to drop out after the first year if his grades weren't in the top 10% and he wasn't on the law review.

"Everyone kept telling me that if I did not excel at a toilet school like mine it was pointless to continue," said Simon. "I guess I was blinded by both naivete and the fact that the girls at Cooley, including my soon-to-be girlfriend, were amazing, exponentially more attractive than law school females at academically superior institutions."

The fact that only the best students at low-tier law schools obtain worthwhile employment creates considerable competition, more so than at their higher ranked peers. This, says Simon, is "ironic bullshit."

"It is completely unfair that I have to bust my ass just to be considered for a job while spoiled students at places like Duke, Columbia, Penn and NYU just line up and wait for countless offers from big law firms," seethed Simon. "Even those 4th tier students who are lucky enough to land a summer associate position at a firm often finding it extremely difficult to get a full time offer. The only thing preventing me from completely losing it is remembering the way Heather's heavenly tits brush up again my chest during our marathon fucking sessions."

Particularly frustrating for Simon and thousands of students like him is that the job market, influenced by the recent economic downturn, is quite barren for the 4th tier law school graduate.

"It's becoming clearer that if I want a legal job I am going to have to pray for work as a public defender or employment at a public injury firm," said Simon, shaking his head. "And I'll be lucky to pocket 30 grand, after taxes. If it wasn't for the fact that my awe-inspiring girlfriend is bi-curious and invites some of her similarly inclined model friends over for "experiment nights," I think I would just blow out my brains right now."

The low salaries of these jobs is especially difficult to accept considering that 4th tier law students often have considerable loans to repay.

"Mother of God, it's almost laughable that I now owe $68,000 for attending a hole-in-the-wall school like Cooley," said Simon. "At least my anger is partially lessened by the fact that fancy, big firm lawyers will end up spending that much on plastic surgery for their comparatively ugly, insecure girlfriends and spouses."

In the end, many students like Simon find employment in non-legal fields, at least avoiding a profession that many agree is relatively unhappy.

"Sure, I guess the silver lining is that after graduation I may end up working in an area I truly enjoy, at a job that doesn't include 70 hours workweeks and egotistical, asshole partners," conceded Simon. "But really it will all come down to whether I am still with Heather. If that's the case, all will be ok."

When asked whether she plans to stay with Jonas Simon, the perfectly shaped Heather remarked "probably not." She continued: "I really like Jonas but I actually just started seeing a litigation associate I met over the summer who works at Kirkland & Ellis in Chicago. He makes tons of money and went to a really prestigious law school. I'll most likely break up with Jonas within a couple of weeks. Hopefully, he won't take it too hard."