Desperate 3L Begins Hanging Around Undergrad Campus

Despite a couple short-lived flings, Duke Law 3L Phil Stamp has largely struck out with female members of the law school.

As a first year student, Stamp was eager to meet intelligent girls with similar interests. When 1L year passed without a relationship, the now 3L didn't fret. Not only did he have two more years to find a girl but a new crop of 1Ls would be coming to Duke in the fall. When Stamp ended his second year still single he started to worry.

"I thought to myself, 'Self, you are never never going to find someone in the law school,'" stated Stamp. "I then decided to change my strategy."

The desperate 3L reasoned that law school girls obviously weren't impressed by the mere fact that a guy was becoming a lawyer. Undergraduate girls, however, were a different story.

"I was like while my classmates aren't wowed by future attorneys, supple, innocent coeds certainly should be," said Stamp. "After all, these girls hang around loser frat guys and stoner hippies nearly 24/7."

From that moment forward, the relationship-less Stamp decided to increasingly hang around undergrad campus. At first, though, he still didn't find it easy to meet girls.

"I think in the beginning I gave off that creepy older guy vibe, you know like that pervy 30ish dude who's always hanging around the campus McDonald's asking women if he can 'help them with their condiments,'" reasoned Stamp. "Soon I realized that the trick was to present myself as that cool law student who just needed a change of scenery."

Thereafter, Stamp remembered to consistently shave, conspicuously wear his Duke Law gear, and not gawk when the undergrads bent over to pick up their books. It was only time before girls came to the law student like naive moths to a horny flame.

"I couldn't believe it but unlike at Duke Law women were actually impressed by me," stated the 3L. "They are amazed that I worked at a big law firm, am familiar Supreme Court decisions and have the disposable income to rent a lake house for the weekend and go to Europe for fall break."

Stamp continued: "Also, contrary to law school chicks, these women never see through my bullshit commitments to justice, pro-bono and community service. They have no idea I do that stuff solely to get into girls' pants."

Nonetheless, despite his increasing success, the obviously older 3L still had to remember to carefully negotiate the fine line between attractive, future attorney and revolting, sketchy creep.

"I would meet tons - literally hundreds - of cute, eligible girls at frat parties but the women of Delta Delta Delta needed to be handled carefully," stated Stamp. "You can't just come up to them and say you're a law student. In that situation, they are just weirded out that you are at an undergrad party and suspect you are ridiculously desperate."

Instead, recommends Stamp, one needs to be prepared with a reason why you're attending Delta Sig's "Bros and Hos" party or Sigma Nu's annual "Kegs and Eggs" event.

"I usually tell those drunk sorority girls that I am one of the frat brother's older siblings or his law school mentor," remarked Stamp. "The shit is totally unbelievable but it sure allays their suspicions and allows me to begin sealing the deal."

According to the 3L, if he doesn't score right away with an undergraduate later victory is almost guaranteed due to a special method he developed.

"Usually I close with my patented 3 number system," revealed Stamp. "First, I write down for the girl my phone number, then the starting salary for a lawyer in New York and finally the number for the North Carolina statute setting the age of consent at 16. Works like a charm."

The problem for Stamp is that soon he'll be graduating, thus losing convenient access to exploitable undergraduate girls.

"Sure it's going to be tough getting used to living in a big city instead of right by Duke's campus," admitted the 3L. "But then again New York is filled with tons of hot women who can be manipulated into sleeping with an attorney. I think I'll be ok after all."