Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Law Students Discussing Their Summer Programs Sound Like Giant Douches

Friends, family members and innocent bystanders across the country are reporting that 3Ls sound like tremendous douches when talking about their summer programs. Many of these students worked for major firms that in addition to paying interns the equivalent of 1st year salaries, spared no expense on food, alcohol and entertainment. The result, many say, is that when recounting their extravagant experiences, law students across country come off as gigantic, spoiled d-bags.

Durham, North Carolina resident Harriet Jenkins recently overhead a group of Duke Law students discussing their firm experiences and was shocked by what she witnessed.

"I was sitting in Chipotle, minding my own business, when a group of boys in their mid-twenties started blabbering on about where they worked this summer," said Jenkins. "I couldn't believe that they felt it was ok to loudly broadcast that they now had tens thousands of dollars in the bank and that they were having a hard time deciding what 'big ticket item to splurge on.' Sure, I have problems like paying my utility bills and affording new clothes but that's nothing compared to the impossible choice between a 37" and 42" flatscreen. My heart goes out to those pricks."

People waiting in line, eating out at restaurants, or sharing any kind of public space with third year law students have reported similar disconcerting behavior. Perhaps hardest hit by this douchebaggery are the non-law school friends of these future firm associates.

"I love my friend Jessica," remarked Sarah White, a graduate student at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill and friend of Duke 3L Jessica Glass. "I just can't stand it when she gets together with her law school friends and begins sharing summer stories. If I have to hear another spoiled 20-something use the word 'uninspired' when referring to a fancy lunch or a $100 bottle of wine I am going to slit my fucking wrists."

Apparently, summer eating is not only one of the mostly frequently discussed topics but also one that paints the third years in an especially negative light. Witnesses have reported hearing students say things like, "It's honestly not easy spending less than $65 for lunch," "I don't care how many Michelin Stars it has, the restaurant was simply unimpressive," and the uber-douchy "Of course I've tried the $32 burger stuffed with truffles and foie gras. Who hasn't?"

White added: "In addition to droning on about their opulent eating adventures, my law school friends can't get enough of pointing out how little they worked, how everything they spent was reimbursed and how some of their firms even sent them to work in foreign offices, all expenses paid. I mean, do they realize how much that makes them look like monumental tools?"

According to observers, worse than hearing former summer associates vividly describe their gluttonous work experiences is hearing them complain about it.

"There nothing more annoying than listening to someone who's been spoiled for 3 months start to whine about that very same treatment," stated Lisa Gomez, older sister of 3L Carlos Gomez. "I can't tell you the number of times I heard Carlos talk about how he's tired of all these fancy lunches, all the events, all the drinking. You know what, I'm tired of working hard as a teacher, receiving low pay, being sexually harassed by my assistant principal and living in a 6 story walk-up in the Bronx. Screw you Carlos."

Just when many thought returning 3Ls couldn't sink lower in terms of their douchbaggedness, the topic of personal assistants arises.

"I thought I heard it all from those boys but then they started discussing their assistants," said Jenkins, the Chipotle diner. "They went on and on about how lazy these girls were and how they would make the women refer to them by last name. I can't tell you how obnoxious it is to hear people young enough to be my kids critique and belittle the performance of secretaries, some old enough to be their mothers. Douche bags, no question about it!"


xoxo, your favorite walking Zagat said...

It's foie gras! Have I taught you nothing! By the way, we'll have to try the shaved foie gras with Riesling jello at Ko whenever I can next get a res for it.


Matt Lipsky said...

I was never one for spelling or French. Thanks for the heads up and I look forward to the jello!

Anonymous said...

um, you make all duke kids sound like jackholes. i disapprove of this post.

Anonymous said...


Frat Stud said...

Guys at my high school used to overhear d-bag 2Ls talk about their summers all the time. It was no big deal.

Anonymous said...

Mr./Ms. Anonymous, this right-on and hilarious post doesn't make all Duke kids sound like 'jackholes' (that's a new one for me!, hence the scare quotes) or douches, it makes all Duke kids who get all fuzzy over bragging about $65 lunches every day at their summer firms sound like what they are, which is--you guessed it--'jackholes' (I assume) or douches. Hope they enjoy the indentured servitude that is 18 hours a day of document review when the real job starts. yippeee!

Anonymous said...

It's no different in NY. I read a very similar analysis on Outlines.com and it was just as funny, yet just as sickening.