Major League Baseball Mandates that Every Fourth Batter be a Girl

In an effort to shake up America’s pastime, Major League Baseball (MLB) commissioner Bud Selig announced today that the league would officially become coed starting next season. In order to facilitate a smooth transition, Selig has announced a number of rule changes fans can expect starting with next year’s spring training.

According to an updated MLB rulebook, “Teams can field up to ten people: six or fewer men, four or more women. A team may play with seven players as long as least three women are present. Also, every fourth batter must be a girl.”

The Commissioner believes that making league play coed and creating specially tailored rules to enable the transition are much needed transformations.

“If woman are good enough to vote they certainly are good enough to play baseball,” said Selig. “Unfortunately these new rules are needed to ensure that all teams realize this and don’t try to get around playing the requisite number of female players. For example, if three consecutive male batters finished off the last inning you damn well better be batting a lady to start the next inning. Absolutely no cheating! I’m talking to you Boston.”

The MLB has already tested out its new concept during select games and is both excited for the changes to be implemented league-wide and grateful for the opportunity to “work out some kinks.”

“During the [San Diego] Padres versus [Arizona] Diamondbacks game we learned that certain outfielders feel the need to patronize female batters by moving up so far they are practically playing infield,” remarked MLB President & Chief Operating Officer Bob DuPuy. “Making matters worse [Padres right fielder Brian] Giles felt the need to shout ‘It’s a girl. It’s a ****** girl. Move the hell up’ every time a women was at bat. We need stop that from happening.”

Takings its cue from co-rec leagues around the country, Major League Baseball will implement other, gender-neutral, changes such as requiring underhand, high arching pitches, limiting games to seven innings, creating a mercy rule for when a lead balloons to more than 10 runs, and forcing the losing team to bring in the bats and balls.

Certain players are quite supportive of major league baseball’s novel changes.

“Sure, playing center field is fun,” said the Tampa Bay Rays’ B.J. Upton. “But ever since playing coed softball in high school gym class, I’ve always wanted to return to my natural position of short center. Thanks to the recent rule changes I can now live that dream.”

One result of the planned alterations is that teams are jockeying to get the best female players available. Already New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has reportedly offered softball Olympians Laura Berg, Jennie Finch and Tairia Flowers multi-year, 8 figure contracts. Other teams are pursuing alternate recruitment strategies such as asking friends, colleagues and relatives if they know any really good girl players.

Ultimately, it will be the fans who decide whether baseball’s new incarnation will remain. Already, responses are passionate and mixed.

“I think it’s time women were given a fair shot at playing in the MLB,” said Washington Nationals fan Arnold Brewer. “And besides, it’s not like the Nats can get any worse by adding women to the team.”

Die hard Los Angeles Angels supporter Lou Sanchez vehemently disagreed: “These new rules are bullshit. Baseball is America’s pastime and we shouldn’t be screwing with beautiful tradition. If I really want to see women make fools out of themselves I’ll watch Girls Gone Wild or the WNBA.”