Mom, I'd Like to Reserve 5 Minutes for Rebuttal

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Mom, this is a case about a well-meaning, but mistaken, mother who due to her understandable frustrations at work and issues with dad lashed out against a son who she incorrectly thought tracked mud into the house. You see ... alright, you can first explain to me what you think I did wrong but I'd like to reserve 5 minutes for rebuttal.

...

Mom, I understand your points but there are three reasons why you should not ground me for the alleged muddying of the kitchen floors. First, there is no credible evidence that my dirty shoes even touched the recently cleaned tile. Second, considering the totality of the circumstances, it is likely that you misevaulated the situation due to a combination of stresses in your life. Third, I am supposed to sleep over Billy Condron's house Saturday night.

As was established when you grounded Rachel last year for failing to pick up her toys, before instituting a punishment there has to be persuasive evidence that offspring suspected of the transgression actually committed the act. In that case you first ascertained that Rachel was indeed playing with her dolls on the day in question and in the location where the Barbie was eventually found. Then, after getting her story and comparing it with the hard evidence, you decided upon a fair punishment of no allowance for the week.

In my case, there is no proof that the dirt found on the kitchen floor came from my shoes. There were no muddy footprints that matched my sneaker shape or size nor a trail of dirt that led to my room. Additionally, when I enter the house I usually come through the front door which leads straight to the stairs instead of through the back which would require me to enter the kitchen. Moreover, there are numerous other credible suspects including dad who always forgets to take off his shoes, my brother Bobby who thinks because he is 16 he doesn't have to follow family rules and our dog Jackson who is always out in the backyard hugging from behind the neighbor's dachshund Molly.

You must also take into account that when punishment was handed down you were under a number of difficult and, more importantly, distracting stresses. We all know that dad doesn't pay attention to you like he used to and that makes you upset. Worse, though, is that his failure to show emotion and inability to remember anniversaries reminds you that you should have probably married your thoughtful and diligent high school sweetheart Chad Johnson. It is also obvious that work is putting you under enormous pressures. No one who is responsible for so much of the firm's current revenue stream should be treated by her boss as if she's a thickheaded moron. And let's face it you aren't getting any younger which means those wrinkles won't be getting any better. When one considers all of these factors together it's easy to conclude that emotion clouded your judgment and convinced you that I was guilty of a crime I did not perpetrate.

Lastly, Billy invited me over to his place Saturday night for a sleepover and it would be really, really unfair if I couldn't go. He is one of the only kids I know who was Playstation 3 and I have been dying to play Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction. Billy's mom also makes these amazing triple fudge brownies and let's us lick the batter out of the bowl. Plus, all my friends are going. I mean, c'mon mom give me a break.

I see that my time is up. If is for these reasons that I shouldn't be grounded. Thank you.