Help, I see Torts Everywhere

Oh my sweet lord, someone please help me. I simply can't stand it anymore. I see potential torts everywhere: at the grocery store, on my way to school, even in my sleep. This isn't what I signed up for when I agreed to come to law school. Someone, anyone make it stop!

Thanks to Torts class I can no longer lead a normal existence. I am constantly worried about bumping into a stranger or poking someone in the eye with my umbrella. Non-law students you don't realize how easy you have it living in your ignorant little world where your untrained eyes fail to notice the world's myriad liabilities and duties.

Forget about being able to visit a relative's house without totally freaking out. Walking up to the front door alone I see numerous torts including negligently uneven walkways, dangerously crooked steps and rusted iron gating, which could easily cause a cut, which almost certainly would lead to an infection, which, in all likelihood, would kill you. And would someone please close that gate to Uncle Larry's pool. God forbid if a neighbor's child wandered in and drowned himself.

I am sure you've noticed that the law school is one gigantic tort. Everyday we have to deal with exposed outlets, slippery floors, sharp-cornered tables, book bags lining classroom aisles and that unnecessarily large and unmanageable speed bump in front of the building. Not to mention legal writing. If that isn't intentional infliction of emotional distress I don't know what is. How am I supposed to learn in an environment such as this where danger lurks around every insufficiently lit corner?

And forget about hosting a party. That idea is so oozing with potential torts that it makes me want to vomit. What if someone slips on spilled beer or hits their head on my Ikea coffee table? What if a guest fails to come with a DD and drives home drunk, killing Bill Gates or ramming into a Mercedes dealership? Each possible scenario is more horrific than the next.

Thanks to my problem I can't even enjoy a baseball game anymore. All I think of when sitting in the stands is the risk I assumed when I bought the ticket. Unlike the thousands of other fans who are enjoying the great pitching duel or the unprecedented offensive display, all I can think of is that if I get hit by a foul ball that's my problem.

Driving a car. Contributory negligence. Telling a friend I think her outfit is atrocious. Negligent infliction of emotional address. Going to the doctor. Medical malpractice. My life is a veritable parade of possible torts. Put me out of my misery, please!

The worst is when I start thinking about whether I may be proximately responsible for someone's injury. What if I, by accident, I knock into a classmate who trips a coffee-carrying professor who ends up spilling the java on a 1Ls' laptop, causing it to short circuit and erase the memo she needs to print out by tomorrow. Not only is that thousands of dollars in physical damage but I can't even begin to fathom the emotional toll. In the end, is that my fault? Was it foreseeable? Fuck you Cardozo and fuck your orbit of danger.

So please give me a lobotomy, slap me silly or do some of that crazy Men in Black mind erasing. You have my informed consent to do anything just as long as from now on I'll be able to live a pleasant, tort-free life.