Stress Epidemic Linked Back to Batch of Tainted 1Ls

Scientists from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) have finally identified the origin of the stress epidemic that has ravaged Duke Law School over the past week or so. According to initial reports, it appears that a virulent strain of nervousness had been incubating within a group of 1Ls and was most likely released when the first years met together at the library.

"After interviewing countless students and conducting advanced forensic analysis, we were able to conclude that the stress currently devastating the law school started the Sunday before last," remarked Beverly Hass, a senior investigator with the CDC's mental anxiety unit. "It appears that a 1L study group got together after they all returned from Thanksgiving break to talk about their upcoming civil procedure exam. The potent, pent-up anxiousness was finally released when the students began talking about how 'freaked out' they were that their first law school test was in little more than a week."

According to Hass, the stress quickly spread to others who were in the library that day. Research shows that the disease is very contagious, able to spread via in person and telephone conversations, e-mail, instant messenger and even body language.

"When I went into the library that Sunday I felt fine," said 1L Teresa Stetzer. "However, after a few hours I began talking with classmates who were incredibly worried about their exams. Then I saw other people who looked like they hadn't slept in days or were about to cry. I guess it was only natural that I caught their stress."

Unfortunately, the CDC has found that the epidemic has spread past the library, infecting common areas, classrooms and other parts of the law school. In order to decrease the likelihood of contamination, health officials recommend staying away from people exhibiting the "classic signs" of exam stress.

"There are a few simple rules that all law students can follow to lessen their chances of falling victim to this awful disease," stated Hass, holding a poster with a number of bullet points. "Do not approach people: 1) Wearing sweatpants or pajamas; 2) Staring blankly at their computer screen; 3) Drinking more than 3 cups of coffee or 4) Repeating 'Oh my God, I am going to fail.'"

So far the raging outbreak has primarily affected 1Ls though some second and third year students have come down with the stress.

"Interestingly, it seems that many 2 and 3L students have built up anxiety tolerance after suffering though similar epidemics during their respective 1L years," concluded Hass, speaking from within the safe confines of her Level A hazmat suit. "Though not universally true, most upperclassmen now have at least a partial immunity that is protecting them from the worst effects of the disease."

Experts predict that eventually the outbreak will subside but for certain students the remission will only be temporary.

"I believe that we will see an decrease in the amount of worry shortly after the last exam," forecasted Dr. Bruce Sanchez, a world-renowned expert in the field of law school epidemiology. "However, for many students, especially 1Ls, this anxiety scourge will resurface shortly before spring semester finals, again claiming hundreds of lives. I pray not only for the victims but for the friends and family who will have to deal with these emotional wrecks."

On the brighter side, Sanchez did mention that there is one possible cure for this veritable plague of misery and apprehension.

"Calmness and its close relative perspective are the only antidotes we've found that successfully combat stress but regrettably they aren't produced in high enough amounts during finals," averred Dr. Sanchez. "If students can somehow manufacture sufficient quantities by seeing movies, hanging around with non-law school friends and realizing they will all likely procure employment then perhaps, just perhaps, this crisis can be controlled if not completely averted."