Dean Levi Implements Stricter Gunner Control

In an effort to improve the overall educational atmosphere at Duke Law, Dean Levi has announced several measures to severely restrict gunners. Responding to complaints that gunners have been riddling classroom dialogue with semi-automatic bursts of questions and pontification, the dean has declared the time is ripe for action.

“Gunners are dangerous, pure and simple,” remarked the dean in a recent statement. “They are harmful to the learning process and to the reputation of the school. In fact, just one gunner can inflict tremendous damage on a seminar or even a lecture.”

Responding to input from a committee of administrators and student leaders, Dean Levi’s reforms are far-ranging in their effort to restrain the harmful effects of gunners. The new rules include requiring muzzles or mouth locks on known gunners and having gunner monitors in each classroom. Another important regulation necessitates that students, before being able to talk in class, must obtain speaking permits from the newly created Office of Gunner Affairs (OGA).

According to sources within the OGA, before a student is permitted to speak, he or she must undergo a thorough background check that stretches as far back as high school. The examination seeks to determine whether the applicant has a history of uncontrolled commenting, impulsive hand-raising or oozing self-importance. Even if the permit is granted, the applicant will have to successfully complete a probationary period where any gunnerish activity within 2 weeks of the permit’s issuance will result in an automatic forfeiture of speaking privileges.

Many students are quite supportive of Duke’s move to curb gunnerism.

“Though I wish this had happened sooner, I am glad the administration is now taking action,” remarked 2L Brett Jacobson. “These people are like shotguns, spewing forth bullshit in every possible direction, hoping one of their silly points or overblown theories actually hits the target. This type of behavior must be controlled, if not banned completely.”

Duke's administration points to a recent Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis (JABA) study as support for its gunner clampdown. The JABA report found that gunner behavior can be quite harmful, especially for those experiencing it at a close range. Distractions such as scowling when another student wrongly answers a question, propping one’s hand up by the elbow, or grunting in order attract the professor’s attention, are, according to the study, more discernible and therefore more injurious the closer a student is to an active gunner.

Despite general support, certain groups and individuals have received Dean Levi’s proposals poorly, with free speech and gunner rights advocates particularly upset by the reforms.

“Dean Levi’s actions are inappropriate for two reasons,” free speech activist and former Duke Law professor Erwin Chemerinsky stated. First, he shows obvious disregard for the First Amendment and second his actions are over-broad, failing to distinguish between gunners who constructively add to the conversation and those that don’t.”

Moses Charles, president of the National Rhetoric Association, a gunner rights organization concurred, adding: “As much as anyone else, gunners have a right to bare their arms so that professors can call on them. If Dean Levi is to take away this fundamental freedom, he’ll have to pry it out of gunners’ constantly waving, always raised hands.”

Dean Levi responded: “Shut up you gunner.”

2L Hoping She’ll Find the “One” During On Campus Interviews

This fall hundreds of firms will descend on law school campuses nationwide in order to pick their next crop of incoming associates. Like many law students, rising 2L Samantha Hutchenson is both excited and nervous about the upcoming campus interviews.

“OCI [On Campus Interviews] will be a tough, grueling process,” said Hutchenson. “But I just know that if I interview with the right firms and leave a good impression I will like totally find the ‘one!’”

Using her school's computerized system, Hutchenson has already ranked the suitors she'd most like to talk to and in return has been told which firms she'll be attempting to charm. Wanting to put her best foot forward, Hutchenson has already begun researching these potential employers.

"I am totally Internet stalking these places," said Hutchenson. "However, I think it's important beforehand to get a good idea what these firms look like, how much money they have and how intelligent their practice is. I just know my firm is out there somewhere!"

Ever since realizing as a little girl that she wanted to be a lawyer, the rising 2L has been waiting for the day when she'd be swept off her feet by a confident New York firm or a prestigious DC litigation shop. However, Hutchenson knew early on that she'd have to work hard to get noticed by cream of the crop.

"I studied really hard for my LSATs, got good grades my 1L year and had impressive work experience between undergrad and law school, " explained Hutchenson. "I understood from the start that for the big boys to notice me I had to be the complete package."

Hutchenson is close to achieving her dream as major law firms begin interviewing students on campus in only a few weeks. Ironically, the problem is that now there are so many suitors to choose from.

"I mean, at the beginning of law school I was super worried that I wouldn't attract any firm's attention," remarked Hutchenson. "Now, my biggest issue is that there are so many potential matches. I have heard that each suitor has its differences so hopefully those will help narrow things down for me."

Hutchenson continued: "For example, I know that Sullivan [Sullivan & Cromwell] is stuffy but with very smart lawyers, Skadden [Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meager and Flom] supposedly is very arrogant and Wachtell [Wachtell, Lipton, Rosen and Katz] is super prestigious. And there's this firm called Mofo [Morrison Forrester]. I don't know much about them but that name is hilarious!"

In an effort to woo law students, firms shower them with free food, alcohol and trinkets. Employers often give away logo-emblazoned key chains, umbrellas, flashlights, mint canisters, calculators and clothing. They rent out fancy restaurants for cocktail parties, making sure to have open bars. Some firms even take a chosen few to dinner for lavish meals.

"Oh my god, I can't wait to receive so much attention," said a clearly excited Hutchenson. "Hopefully, I can stand out enough get some second dates, so to speak."

Hutcheon was referring to the callback, or second round of interviews. After a firm expresses an interest in you, usually via a very flattering phone call, it will fly the student back to its office and put him or her up in a hotel, all expenses paid. After that second meeting with the interested employer, the lucky ones get offers to be a summer associate which usually leads to full time employment.

"This whole process is certainly stressful especially considering I need to make my choice by December," said Hutchenson. "Hopefully by then I will have been struck by an amazing firm, one that I will be happy to spend the rest of my life with. And I am sure that once I've found the perfect match and started working everything will be one big happy fairy tale."

Waiter, I'd Like Your Most Prestigious Sandwich

Excuse me, waiter. Garçon. Hello? My God this service is profoundly unmoving. Oh how I miss Gordon Ramsey at the London!

Yes, finally some assistance. I am absolutely famished and need your recommendation monsieur. I'm searching for something that will flatter my taste buds while simultaneously sating my considerable hunger. I'm seeking a culinary delight that is masterfully constructed, not just a banal piece of meat haphazardly stacked in between two forgettable pieces of bread. In other words, camarero, I'd like your most prestigious sandwich.

I desire a meal that bespeaks my considerable urbanity, intelligence and style. I want people to watch me eat this marvelous combination of carbohydrates and protein and think to themselves, "Wow! Now that is a man. His food puts mine to shame. If only I had a fraction of his grace and ordering prowess my wife wouldn't have left me to become a lesbian."

See, I worked this summer at a law firm, no a veritable institution, called Cravath, Swaine & Moore. You can just call it Cravath, or that amazing New York firm that only accepts the best and brightest from top, national law schools. According to the venerable Vault ranking system, my employer was deemed the country's second most prestigious firm, just behind a considerably over-hyped, niche outfit also based in New York City. As a Cravath associate, therefore, I need, nay deserve, only the most awe-inspiring sandwich your chefs can prepare.

To be honest, taste is secondary to presentation and reputation. Sure a substantively delicious meal is nice but let's be frank. Primarily, I require food that looks good, that virtually screams out: "I am the most august nourishment obtainable." Whether such is the truth is irrelevant. As long as others believe my meal to be the best then it is the best.

I don't even care if later the meal causes me considerable indigestion. Or even permanent intestinal damage. My actual enjoyment of the consumption is far secondary to the perceived prestigiousness of the chef's concoction. Sure, other sandwiches may be more "fun" or "rewarding" to eat but in the grand scheme of things such considerations are meaningless. A pair of Nikes may be more comfortable than an expensive set of Italian dress shoes but you don't see me wearing the former to work. I'll leave that type of nonsense to associates who work at casual Friday-loving, lower ranked firms.

So waiter I have laid out for your my desires, detailed the boundaries within which I'd like your cooks to work. Please bring me what I request and do so with alacrity.

And yes I'd like it toasted.