2L Too Good for Multi-Color Highlighting

As a 1st year Duke Law student, Michael Levenson studied arduously. His routine included a complex highlighting system where different colors corresponded to various pertinent parts of the case at hand. Levenson used blue ink for the holding, yellow for the facts, pink for any rules, orange for judge's reasoning and green to underscore references to lower court decisions. Things have changed, however, now that the second year of law school has started.

"Seriously, what's the point of a detailed notation system now that I'm a 2L?" asked Levenson. "Considering my grades don't count and, with interviewing, I'll barely have time to read anyway, why bother with more than one color highlighter? That's so 1L."

One benefit of his decision, says Levenson, is that there will be a tremendous time and cost savings. He relates that during his 1L year he searched far and wide for the absolutely best available package of highlighters. Hours were spend on internet research where user reviews were scoured, prices compared and factors such as color brightness and ink longevity considered. More time was dedicated to in-store visits where annoyed Office Max attendants were peppered with numerous questions. In the end, Levenson estimates that tens of hours and over fifty dollars were devoted to his study technique.

Levenson remembers that he even went so far as to bid on a box of swag - all the law firm giveaways that were never claimed - at Duke's PILF [Public Interest Law Foundation] auction.

"I made a carefully calculated bid and then stood by the item, hoping to block perspective bidders from claiming what I knew had to be mine," remarked Levenson. "I mean, there were so many yellow hi-liters in that box, you know the ones with the mini, red Post-it flags built in. And there were all sorts of other colors as well. Having those items now is so worth it even if they all do say Dewey & Leboeuf."

The newly-minted 2L has already enjoyed the benefits of his new, less labor-intensive system. Levenson reports that not having to switch between colors has cut his case reading time by 20%. Moreover, highlighting only in yellow has stopped making "my books look like a fucking gay pride flag."

"Plus," Levenson added, "now I only have yellow ink stains on my clothes."

Since realizing that single color highlighting is preferable, Levenson has also reconsidered some of his other study techniques such as making copious notes in the margin, briefing cases, purchasing relevant supplements and not watching too much porn.

The question remains whether the relatively relaxed highlighting standards of Levenson and other 2Ls will continue or, as 3Ls, they will reacquire the academic intensity that possessed them during their first year.

"Highlighting? Dude, I've barely opened the very few books I even decided to buy this semester," remarked 3L Dan McPherson. "Anyway, I need to go. I've got a 2:10 tee time at the Washington Duke."

Desperate 3L Begins Hanging Around Undergrad Campus

Despite a couple short-lived flings, Duke Law 3L Phil Stamp has largely struck out with female members of the law school.

As a first year student, Stamp was eager to meet intelligent girls with similar interests. When 1L year passed without a relationship, the now 3L didn't fret. Not only did he have two more years to find a girl but a new crop of 1Ls would be coming to Duke in the fall. When Stamp ended his second year still single he started to worry.

"I thought to myself, 'Self, you are never never going to find someone in the law school,'" stated Stamp. "I then decided to change my strategy."

The desperate 3L reasoned that law school girls obviously weren't impressed by the mere fact that a guy was becoming a lawyer. Undergraduate girls, however, were a different story.

"I was like while my classmates aren't wowed by future attorneys, supple, innocent coeds certainly should be," said Stamp. "After all, these girls hang around loser frat guys and stoner hippies nearly 24/7."

From that moment forward, the relationship-less Stamp decided to increasingly hang around undergrad campus. At first, though, he still didn't find it easy to meet girls.

"I think in the beginning I gave off that creepy older guy vibe, you know like that pervy 30ish dude who's always hanging around the campus McDonald's asking women if he can 'help them with their condiments,'" reasoned Stamp. "Soon I realized that the trick was to present myself as that cool law student who just needed a change of scenery."

Thereafter, Stamp remembered to consistently shave, conspicuously wear his Duke Law gear, and not gawk when the undergrads bent over to pick up their books. It was only time before girls came to the law student like naive moths to a horny flame.

"I couldn't believe it but unlike at Duke Law women were actually impressed by me," stated the 3L. "They are amazed that I worked at a big law firm, am familiar Supreme Court decisions and have the disposable income to rent a lake house for the weekend and go to Europe for fall break."

Stamp continued: "Also, contrary to law school chicks, these women never see through my bullshit commitments to justice, pro-bono and community service. They have no idea I do that stuff solely to get into girls' pants."

Nonetheless, despite his increasing success, the obviously older 3L still had to remember to carefully negotiate the fine line between attractive, future attorney and revolting, sketchy creep.

"I would meet tons - literally hundreds - of cute, eligible girls at frat parties but the women of Delta Delta Delta needed to be handled carefully," stated Stamp. "You can't just come up to them and say you're a law student. In that situation, they are just weirded out that you are at an undergrad party and suspect you are ridiculously desperate."

Instead, recommends Stamp, one needs to be prepared with a reason why you're attending Delta Sig's "Bros and Hos" party or Sigma Nu's annual "Kegs and Eggs" event.

"I usually tell those drunk sorority girls that I am one of the frat brother's older siblings or his law school mentor," remarked Stamp. "The shit is totally unbelievable but it sure allays their suspicions and allows me to begin sealing the deal."

According to the 3L, if he doesn't score right away with an undergraduate later victory is almost guaranteed due to a special method he developed.

"Usually I close with my patented 3 number system," revealed Stamp. "First, I write down for the girl my phone number, then the starting salary for a lawyer in New York and finally the number for the North Carolina statute setting the age of consent at 16. Works like a charm."

The problem for Stamp is that soon he'll be graduating, thus losing convenient access to exploitable undergraduate girls.

"Sure it's going to be tough getting used to living in a big city instead of right by Duke's campus," admitted the 3L. "But then again New York is filled with tons of hot women who can be manipulated into sleeping with an attorney. I think I'll be ok after all."

At Least I have a Hotter Girlfriend, Thinks 4th Tier Law Student

Thomas M. Cooley Law School 3L Jonas Simon doesn't have many job prospects for after graduation. Even the possibilities he's exploring are relatively undesirable and will only pay a low five figure salary. Worsening the situation is that Simon, like other students who attend low ranked law schools, will soon be saddled with tremendous debt. Overall, especially compared to students at top tier institutions, Simon is in pretty bad shape. That is why he is at least minimally cheered up by the fact that his girlfriend is way hotter than any chick who goes to schools like Harvard, Yale and Stanford.

"I have started to realize that attending a school like Thomas M. Cooley was a gigantic mistake," remarked a glum Simon. "That is why I take a smidgen of solace in the fact that my serious girlfriend Heather, a former model and dancer, is at least 10 times more smoking than the nerdy girls who are locked in the libraries of the top 14 law schools."

The Cooley 3L noticed right away that his quality of education did not match that of higher ranked schools.

"Most of my 1L teachers either had no teaching experience or were so old that they didn't care anymore," stated Simon. "The worst was my Torts instructor, Professor Gupta, who was so lazy that he randomly assigned us final grades. All the bastard received as punishment was a temporary suspension. After hearing what happened, the only thing that calmed me down was the heavenly, fully nude oil message Heather gave me that very night."

Simon regrets that he did not heed people's advice to drop out after the first year if his grades weren't in the top 10% and he wasn't on the law review.

"Everyone kept telling me that if I did not excel at a toilet school like mine it was pointless to continue," said Simon. "I guess I was blinded by both naivete and the fact that the girls at Cooley, including my soon-to-be girlfriend, were amazing, exponentially more attractive than law school females at academically superior institutions."

The fact that only the best students at low-tier law schools obtain worthwhile employment creates considerable competition, more so than at their higher ranked peers. This, says Simon, is "ironic bullshit."

"It is completely unfair that I have to bust my ass just to be considered for a job while spoiled students at places like Duke, Columbia, Penn and NYU just line up and wait for countless offers from big law firms," seethed Simon. "Even those 4th tier students who are lucky enough to land a summer associate position at a firm often finding it extremely difficult to get a full time offer. The only thing preventing me from completely losing it is remembering the way Heather's heavenly tits brush up again my chest during our marathon fucking sessions."

Particularly frustrating for Simon and thousands of students like him is that the job market, influenced by the recent economic downturn, is quite barren for the 4th tier law school graduate.

"It's becoming clearer that if I want a legal job I am going to have to pray for work as a public defender or employment at a public injury firm," said Simon, shaking his head. "And I'll be lucky to pocket 30 grand, after taxes. If it wasn't for the fact that my awe-inspiring girlfriend is bi-curious and invites some of her similarly inclined model friends over for "experiment nights," I think I would just blow out my brains right now."

The low salaries of these jobs is especially difficult to accept considering that 4th tier law students often have considerable loans to repay.

"Mother of God, it's almost laughable that I now owe $68,000 for attending a hole-in-the-wall school like Cooley," said Simon. "At least my anger is partially lessened by the fact that fancy, big firm lawyers will end up spending that much on plastic surgery for their comparatively ugly, insecure girlfriends and spouses."

In the end, many students like Simon find employment in non-legal fields, at least avoiding a profession that many agree is relatively unhappy.

"Sure, I guess the silver lining is that after graduation I may end up working in an area I truly enjoy, at a job that doesn't include 70 hours workweeks and egotistical, asshole partners," conceded Simon. "But really it will all come down to whether I am still with Heather. If that's the case, all will be ok."

When asked whether she plans to stay with Jonas Simon, the perfectly shaped Heather remarked "probably not." She continued: "I really like Jonas but I actually just started seeing a litigation associate I met over the summer who works at Kirkland & Ellis in Chicago. He makes tons of money and went to a really prestigious law school. I'll most likely break up with Jonas within a couple of weeks. Hopefully, he won't take it too hard."

Mom, I'd Like to Reserve 5 Minutes for Rebuttal

Welcome Above the Law readers. Be sure to check out some of my new satire entries at: http://www.ridiculumblog.com. If you want to receive notifications about when the site is updated click here.

Mom, this is a case about a well-meaning, but mistaken, mother who due to her understandable frustrations at work and issues with dad lashed out against a son who she incorrectly thought tracked mud into the house. You see ... alright, you can first explain to me what you think I did wrong but I'd like to reserve 5 minutes for rebuttal.

...

Mom, I understand your points but there are three reasons why you should not ground me for the alleged muddying of the kitchen floors. First, there is no credible evidence that my dirty shoes even touched the recently cleaned tile. Second, considering the totality of the circumstances, it is likely that you misevaulated the situation due to a combination of stresses in your life. Third, I am supposed to sleep over Billy Condron's house Saturday night.

As was established when you grounded Rachel last year for failing to pick up her toys, before instituting a punishment there has to be persuasive evidence that offspring suspected of the transgression actually committed the act. In that case you first ascertained that Rachel was indeed playing with her dolls on the day in question and in the location where the Barbie was eventually found. Then, after getting her story and comparing it with the hard evidence, you decided upon a fair punishment of no allowance for the week.

In my case, there is no proof that the dirt found on the kitchen floor came from my shoes. There were no muddy footprints that matched my sneaker shape or size nor a trail of dirt that led to my room. Additionally, when I enter the house I usually come through the front door which leads straight to the stairs instead of through the back which would require me to enter the kitchen. Moreover, there are numerous other credible suspects including dad who always forgets to take off his shoes, my brother Bobby who thinks because he is 16 he doesn't have to follow family rules and our dog Jackson who is always out in the backyard hugging from behind the neighbor's dachshund Molly.

You must also take into account that when punishment was handed down you were under a number of difficult and, more importantly, distracting stresses. We all know that dad doesn't pay attention to you like he used to and that makes you upset. Worse, though, is that his failure to show emotion and inability to remember anniversaries reminds you that you should have probably married your thoughtful and diligent high school sweetheart Chad Johnson. It is also obvious that work is putting you under enormous pressures. No one who is responsible for so much of the firm's current revenue stream should be treated by her boss as if she's a thickheaded moron. And let's face it you aren't getting any younger which means those wrinkles won't be getting any better. When one considers all of these factors together it's easy to conclude that emotion clouded your judgment and convinced you that I was guilty of a crime I did not perpetrate.

Lastly, Billy invited me over to his place Saturday night for a sleepover and it would be really, really unfair if I couldn't go. He is one of the only kids I know who was Playstation 3 and I have been dying to play Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction. Billy's mom also makes these amazing triple fudge brownies and let's us lick the batter out of the bowl. Plus, all my friends are going. I mean, c'mon mom give me a break.

I see that my time is up. If is for these reasons that I shouldn't be grounded. Thank you.

Major League Baseball Mandates that Every Fourth Batter be a Girl

In an effort to shake up America’s pastime, Major League Baseball (MLB) commissioner Bud Selig announced today that the league would officially become coed starting next season. In order to facilitate a smooth transition, Selig has announced a number of rule changes fans can expect starting with next year’s spring training.

According to an updated MLB rulebook, “Teams can field up to ten people: six or fewer men, four or more women. A team may play with seven players as long as least three women are present. Also, every fourth batter must be a girl.”

The Commissioner believes that making league play coed and creating specially tailored rules to enable the transition are much needed transformations.

“If woman are good enough to vote they certainly are good enough to play baseball,” said Selig. “Unfortunately these new rules are needed to ensure that all teams realize this and don’t try to get around playing the requisite number of female players. For example, if three consecutive male batters finished off the last inning you damn well better be batting a lady to start the next inning. Absolutely no cheating! I’m talking to you Boston.”

The MLB has already tested out its new concept during select games and is both excited for the changes to be implemented league-wide and grateful for the opportunity to “work out some kinks.”

“During the [San Diego] Padres versus [Arizona] Diamondbacks game we learned that certain outfielders feel the need to patronize female batters by moving up so far they are practically playing infield,” remarked MLB President & Chief Operating Officer Bob DuPuy. “Making matters worse [Padres right fielder Brian] Giles felt the need to shout ‘It’s a girl. It’s a ****** girl. Move the hell up’ every time a women was at bat. We need stop that from happening.”

Takings its cue from co-rec leagues around the country, Major League Baseball will implement other, gender-neutral, changes such as requiring underhand, high arching pitches, limiting games to seven innings, creating a mercy rule for when a lead balloons to more than 10 runs, and forcing the losing team to bring in the bats and balls.

Certain players are quite supportive of major league baseball’s novel changes.

“Sure, playing center field is fun,” said the Tampa Bay Rays’ B.J. Upton. “But ever since playing coed softball in high school gym class, I’ve always wanted to return to my natural position of short center. Thanks to the recent rule changes I can now live that dream.”

One result of the planned alterations is that teams are jockeying to get the best female players available. Already New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has reportedly offered softball Olympians Laura Berg, Jennie Finch and Tairia Flowers multi-year, 8 figure contracts. Other teams are pursuing alternate recruitment strategies such as asking friends, colleagues and relatives if they know any really good girl players.

Ultimately, it will be the fans who decide whether baseball’s new incarnation will remain. Already, responses are passionate and mixed.

“I think it’s time women were given a fair shot at playing in the MLB,” said Washington Nationals fan Arnold Brewer. “And besides, it’s not like the Nats can get any worse by adding women to the team.”

Die hard Los Angeles Angels supporter Lou Sanchez vehemently disagreed: “These new rules are bullshit. Baseball is America’s pastime and we shouldn’t be screwing with beautiful tradition. If I really want to see women make fools out of themselves I’ll watch Girls Gone Wild or the WNBA.”

Law Students Discussing Their Summer Programs Sound Like Giant Douches

Friends, family members and innocent bystanders across the country are reporting that 3Ls sound like tremendous douches when talking about their summer programs. Many of these students worked for major firms that in addition to paying interns the equivalent of 1st year salaries, spared no expense on food, alcohol and entertainment. The result, many say, is that when recounting their extravagant experiences, law students across country come off as gigantic, spoiled d-bags.

Durham, North Carolina resident Harriet Jenkins recently overhead a group of Duke Law students discussing their firm experiences and was shocked by what she witnessed.

"I was sitting in Chipotle, minding my own business, when a group of boys in their mid-twenties started blabbering on about where they worked this summer," said Jenkins. "I couldn't believe that they felt it was ok to loudly broadcast that they now had tens thousands of dollars in the bank and that they were having a hard time deciding what 'big ticket item to splurge on.' Sure, I have problems like paying my utility bills and affording new clothes but that's nothing compared to the impossible choice between a 37" and 42" flatscreen. My heart goes out to those pricks."

People waiting in line, eating out at restaurants, or sharing any kind of public space with third year law students have reported similar disconcerting behavior. Perhaps hardest hit by this douchebaggery are the non-law school friends of these future firm associates.

"I love my friend Jessica," remarked Sarah White, a graduate student at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill and friend of Duke 3L Jessica Glass. "I just can't stand it when she gets together with her law school friends and begins sharing summer stories. If I have to hear another spoiled 20-something use the word 'uninspired' when referring to a fancy lunch or a $100 bottle of wine I am going to slit my fucking wrists."

Apparently, summer eating is not only one of the mostly frequently discussed topics but also one that paints the third years in an especially negative light. Witnesses have reported hearing students say things like, "It's honestly not easy spending less than $65 for lunch," "I don't care how many Michelin Stars it has, the restaurant was simply unimpressive," and the uber-douchy "Of course I've tried the $32 burger stuffed with truffles and foie gras. Who hasn't?"

White added: "In addition to droning on about their opulent eating adventures, my law school friends can't get enough of pointing out how little they worked, how everything they spent was reimbursed and how some of their firms even sent them to work in foreign offices, all expenses paid. I mean, do they realize how much that makes them look like monumental tools?"

According to observers, worse than hearing former summer associates vividly describe their gluttonous work experiences is hearing them complain about it.

"There nothing more annoying than listening to someone who's been spoiled for 3 months start to whine about that very same treatment," stated Lisa Gomez, older sister of 3L Carlos Gomez. "I can't tell you the number of times I heard Carlos talk about how he's tired of all these fancy lunches, all the events, all the drinking. You know what, I'm tired of working hard as a teacher, receiving low pay, being sexually harassed by my assistant principal and living in a 6 story walk-up in the Bronx. Screw you Carlos."

Just when many thought returning 3Ls couldn't sink lower in terms of their douchbaggedness, the topic of personal assistants arises.

"I thought I heard it all from those boys but then they started discussing their assistants," said Jenkins, the Chipotle diner. "They went on and on about how lazy these girls were and how they would make the women refer to them by last name. I can't tell you how obnoxious it is to hear people young enough to be my kids critique and belittle the performance of secretaries, some old enough to be their mothers. Douche bags, no question about it!"

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Report: Westlaw, Lexis-Nexis, Hook Students by Offering Free Samples

In a shocking new report issued today, TheFact.org, an organization dedicated to monitoring the legal research industry, concluded that conglomerates like the Thomson Corporation and the Reed Elsevier Group, proprietors of Westlaw and Lexis-Nexis, respectively, have been purposely trying to addict young, impressionable law students to their unhealthy products. The report's authors say that their work corroborates what many in the legal community have long suspected.

"Though they claim otherwise, we can now prove that Westlaw and Lexis-Nexis are pushing a perverse product," remarked Ronald Samuelson, research director at TheFact.org. "These companies hook law students by offering years of free use, allowing them to find citations and research legal issues without any cost. However, once the user is fully dependent and starts working at a firm he or she literally incurs thousands of dollars to enjoy the service. This is simply unconscionable!"

Between Westlaw and Lexis-Nexis, thousands of students all around the country have been given free access to these powerful reference tools. According to the report, particularly disturbing is that law students are conditioned to utilize the research portals without care for cost, encouraged to spend countless hours online and to search using the broadest available databases.

"Because the services are seen to be free, law students are taught at a very early time in their legal career to use in big doses," continued Samuelson. "It's understandable that by the time they're practicing attorneys they can't help but rack up immense bills. These poor souls are victims of unscrupulous peddlers taking advantage of the vulnerable."

TheFact.org's expose further details the nefarious ways in which the legal research industry tries to addict the law school population. One section explains that Westlaw and Lexis-Nexis have a complex distribution system including low-level dealers, also known as representatives or "reps." These reps cover various territories around the country and are responsible for hawking legal research tools to easily influenced customers. Among the methods used to hook students are trainings with free pizza, merchandise giveaways and the hiring of student reps who can more easily influence their classmates.

"Lexis and Westlaw come in with their fancy presentations, free stress balls and delicious baked goods," recollected Duke Law 2L Ryan Hoglen. "After that how can I not use their products? Plus, it's all free. Damn you temptation!"

Like other industries intent on maintaining market share for addictive products, Westlaw and Lexis-Nexis have created points-based incentive programs that reward users who consume the highest amount of product. Comparing the systems to Marlboro Points and Camel Cash, TheFact.org concluded that the research giants further reinforce the need to use their services by exploiting the consumerism prevalent among many law students. Offering the opportunity to turn in points for items such as digital cameras, jewelry and DVDs, says the report, "ensures that the students will continue to use and hence suffer from the various negative consequences of legal research addiction."

Medical experts concur that Westlaw and Lexis-Nexis are habit-forming tools that, especially when used excessively, can produce deleterious side effects. Researches at John Hopkins have concluded in a recent study that law students actually experience a high when they find a case or article that helps buttress an argument. The feeling is fleeting, however, when students realize that additional, perhaps stronger, authorities may be available for citation.

"I can't even describe the rush I first felt when, researching for my note, I found a 4th Circuit case exactly on point," said Duke Law 3L Dana Lipstein. "Shortly afterward, though, I considered the possibility that maybe more cases were out there, perhaps even a Supreme Court case or two. So I just searched and searched, hoping to relive that initial sensation but in a more powerful way. The first high just wasn't enough."

Dr. Esteban Perez of the Institute of Behavior Studies remarked that Lipstein's behavior is sadly emblematic of so many Lexis- and Westlaw-addicted students who are always in search of the next buzz.

"I have seen students who can now only feel satisfied if they search for hours, checking every possible nook and cranny for supportive case law," said Dr. Perez. "Such chain researching is not only tragic but also dangerous as students eventually burnout or overdose after countless days of research. What's most disconcerting is that often there never was a case on point available in the first place."

The new report does highlight that some Good Samaritans are trying to help students exposed to these addictive products, namely research librarians and legal writing professors.

"I always try to stress to students that they should research efficiently, that they should use the smallest database possible and take advantage of cost-saving measures like the 'find in results' feature," said Duke Law Research Librarian Janice Wilkinson. "Sadly, though, my message often falls upon deaf ears. It's hard to overcome powerful, sustained marketing and branding efforts, especially when students are exposed to these messages for years before they are legal to practice law."

TheFact.Org CEO Amanda Laminelli emphasized that Westlaw and Lexis-Nexis are hurting us all and called for increased oversight.

"The practices of the legal research industry are simply unacceptable," declared Laminelli during a recent press conference. "Students trained to abuse Westlaw and Lexis-Nexis obviously are harming themselves. However, they also injure the client who is overcharged, the firm whose reputation is tarnished and the society that eventually shoulders the passed-down costs. The secondhand impacts alone should require more stringent regulation of these companies!"

Lexis-Nexis, through its spokesperson Jonathan Griswald, responded to the report with a terse e-mail message to reporters: "There is nothing wrong with our product or the way it's promoted. Legal research makes you look cool, gives you much needed relief after a long day, is used by legal celebrities like Alan Dershowitz and has been declared safe by distinguished doctors. Nothing biased squares like TheFact.org say can change these incontestable facts."

Old Law Firm Partners Can't Tell Ethnic Summers Apart

Numerous African-American, South Asian, East Asian, Hispanic and other minority summer associates from around the country have reported that, largely speaking, their summers have been rewarding and enjoyable. Many of their employers have stressed the importance of diversity and most firms had a special mentoring program for associates of color. However, a common complaint among the hundreds of people interviewed for this article was that partners, especially the eldest ones, couldn't seem to tell them apart from others with similarly dark skin.

"I understand that my summer class was large and that is wasn't easy for partners to learn all of our names," said Amir Patel, a 3L at the New York University School of Law. "However, by the 12th week of our program you'd think bankruptcy partner Sam Fitzgerald would stop calling me Raj, the name of the only other Indian guy in our class."

Minority summers also reported that younger associates often would have to correct partners when they confused ethnic summers in stories they told.

According to summer associate Joshua Patterson: "One time [Litigation Partner Bill] Weinstein was going on and on about how Tomica did great work for him. 'Tomica put together this great memo and Tomica performed impressive legal research,' he said. When a 3rd year litigation associate responded that Tomica has been in corporate the whole summer Bill replied 'Oh maybe it was Shauna then. Or Aisha. I can't remember.' I am not sure if his forgetfulness was due to senility, racism or a little bit of both."

Worse for summer associates of color was when partners would confuse them with people who weren't even members of their race or ethnicity.

"Really, do I even look like I'm my name is Jose," said Charles Chow, a Chinese-American law student at George Washington, referring to a partner's failure to properly recall his name. "I am Asian. How fucking simple is that?"

For some summers the failure of partners to differentiate them from other minority lawyers is not the most degrading thing that can happen. According to Columbia 3L Carlos Guitierrez, senior firm partners would sometimes confuse him with members of the cleaning staff.

"I remember it was at our firm's annual prom where we all were dressed in formal tuxedos," recalled a still clearly upset Guitierrez. "Since it was really hot I took off my jacket and walked outside to get some air. I ran into a corporate partner I'd met once or twice and introduced myself as Carlos. His response: 'Hi Carlos, would you mind refilling this scotch? Thanks amigo.' What a douche nozzle."

After receiving complaints, firms have responded with increased sensitivity training and diversity-themed events. However, many recruiting department staff and executive committee members have conceded that trying to change the behavior of old, intractable partners isn't easy.

"Try telling a partner who practiced law before the Civil Rights Act was passed that Chinese, Japanese and Korean are not 'all the same thing,'" remarked Donna Johnson, a diversity committee member at Paul Weiss. "It ain't easy."

This explanation hasn't seemed to placate at least some of the affronted minority summers.

"Maybe I should just go up to one of the wrinkled old partners and say hi Bill," retorted Native American law student Chetan Hightower. "When he responds that his name is actually Bob I can say 'Sorry all you old, racist assholes look the same to me.' Probably wouldn't help with my offer though."

3Ls Suffer Through Blackberry Withdrawal

For many summer associates it was what helped them get through the day. It was their organizer and their entertainment. And now, for Duke 3L Damien Jones and thousands like him, it’s been taken away.

According to Jones, at the beginning of the summer his law firm provided him and his classmates with Blackberries, mobile devices that among other things instantly deliver e-mail to their users. But as his stint as a summer law clerk ended, the firm that gaveth, tooketh away.

“I can barely eat, barely sleep since they took my Blackberry back,” said a clearly addled Jones as he sat in the corner of his barely lit apartment, covered in a blanket, sipping hot tea. “How I am supposed to function without being able to constantly access my e-mail from a device in my pocket? How?”

Jones reported that though nearly a month has passed since he gave up his Blackberry, his desire to have it back hasn’t dissipated.

“To this day, I have dreams that I am playing BrickBreaker, beating level 34 and getting a record high score,” said Jones. “Then I wake up and am crushed by the horrible reality that I only have a Motorola Razr.”

Making matters worse, Jones has gotten lost without having Blackberry’s map feature, has forgotten appointments due to the lack of electronic calendar and often misses movies, being unable to look up start times on the internet.

According to the 3L, he not only pines for the amazing features of the Blackberry but also for what it represents: “The Blackberry is more than just a bunch of awe-inspiring features. It was what delivered to me news of social outings. It told me of the gluttonous summer lunches coming up. It impressed all those women who thought I was an actual attorney.”

Unfortunately, Damien Jones is not alone. Law schools across the country are reporting significant increases in Blackberry withdrawal amongst their third year students. According to recently released statistics, 78% of tier I law students are exhibiting classic signs of withdrawal including anxiety, depression, nausea, and a constant checking of the pockets followed by deep melancholy.

Schools are responding to this problem with multi-faceted solutions. Berkeley School of Law has recently opened a clinic dedicated to treating the epidemic. The University of Virginia School of Law has hired additional psychological counselors to help students transition to Blackberry-free lifestyles. Jones’ own school Duke has given students limited access to Blackberries, slowing decreasing their exposure over time in an effort to lessen dependence. The University of North Carolina School of Law, however, has not taken any action considering that few of its students went to large law firms where the devices were given out.

Despite the crushing despair he currently feels, Jones believes the worst is behind him.

“Hopefully I’ll be able to take advantage of the various programs out there and start to get over my attachment to this machine,” said Jones. “Even if this doesn’t happen I am still comforted by the fact that I only have to wait one year until I get it back. Sure I’ll be working like a dog and have no life but at least daddy will have his precious Blackberry back.”

Student Loudly Schedules Her Multiple Callbacks in Law School Common Area

With OCI [on-campus interviews] in full swing, students are beginning to hear back from firms offering callbacks, second round interviews located at the office where the applicant desires to receive a summer offer. Since this process is quite competitive and has the potential to engender considerable jealously and hurt feelings, most second year students handle their interview scheduling discreetly, responding to firms when they return home or in a secluded space at school. Duke 2L Tiffany Shah, however, has taken a different approach, loudly scheduling her multiple callbacks in the school's main common area.

Numerous students have witnessed Shah's behavior and been quite taken aback by the display.

"There is nothing wrong with discretely arranging your callbacks in Star Commons, after all people are on the phone there all the time," remarked fellow 2L Daniel Tripp. "However, I don't think it's acceptable to schedule your second round interviews with such high volume that ear drums within a 10 foot radius start to bleed."

Students speculate that Shah's unnecessary loudness is one of the many tactics she uses to make sure that everyone around her knows how many amazing firms she's interviewing with.

"It's incredible the way that girl name drops when calling back those recruiters," observed 3L Jason Harriman. "A typical conversation goes something like this: 'Hello. Is this SULLIVAN AND CROMWELL? Yes, SULLIVAN? Great! I have an OFFER to come back and I'd LOVE to schedule an interview.' And not only does she place emphasis on the firm name but she turns around and looks at the whole freakin' room while doing it. I'd give organs just to slap that shit-eating grin right off her white shoe-loving face."

In addition to underscoring the firm name and speaking loudly, the 2L has been seen making multiple calls in the common area to highlight the range of top quality firms she's received callbacks from. Sources report that during one 15 minute stretch Shah inconspicuously contacted Williams and Connolly, Covington & Burling, Davis Polk, Cravath and Simpson Thatcher. She also called Wachtel Lipton, reportedly the most prestigious firm in the country, to inquire about her submitted resume and convey her thoughts on the "simple, yet elegant website."

According to Tripp, Harriman and other students, Shah's routine is particularly unbearable because of the shameless braggadocio exhibited during conversations. For instance, the 2L consistently mentions to potential employers that she already has numerous callbacks and that her schedule is "positively packed" but that she'll find a way to fit that firm in.

Trip added: "During one phone call I remember Tiffany unabashedly proclaiming to the recruiting coordinator that she 'absolutely loved' the dinner at Magnolia and that [Hiring Partner] Marty [Levinstein]'s story about a recent litigation matter was 'simply side-splitting.' I hope that girls gets no offers or at least gets herpes."

Shah was spotted in the Star Commons and asked for a comment but responded that she had no time to speak to a reporter. She remarked that she still had numerous rejection calls to make and that she only speaks to "prestigious satire publications."