Legal Negotiations Class Pays Off During Bargaining With Call Girl

During his fall break, Duke law 3L Eric Anderson vacationed in the Dominican Republic, staying in an all-inclusive resort in Playa Dorado on the northern coast of the island. Anderson tanned on the beach, consumed copious amounts of rum-infused drinks and checked out the nightlife in the neighboring town of Puerto Plata. The 3L, who had recently broke up with his girlfriend of two years, soon realized that there was one thing in the DR he hadn't experienced.

"I heard that the Dominican Republic was an easy place to obtain the services of, shall we say, ladies of the night," remarked Anderson. "Of course I was excited to find myself a sexy Latina but I was also nervous considering I had never before bargained for sex."

The 3L's worries were soon assuaged when he realized that he had already completed a semester of legal negotiations where he learned, through practical in-class exercises and theoretical readings, the art of deal-making. From that moment on, Anderson was quite confident that he would come to beneficial arrangement with a chosen prostitute.

After discretely asking a couple of bellhops at his hotel where he could find a nice Dominican call girl, Anderson arranged a meeting with a lady named Yacqueline at a local cafe.

"Yacqueline was absolutely smoking," remembered Anderson. "But I tried not to let that distract me from the task at hand. My first priority was bargain efficiently and effectively, obtaining the services I wanted for a reasonable price."

From the beginning of the talks, the Duke Law student employed strategies taught to him during last semester's negotiation class.

"Unlike less experienced bargainers I didn't broach the subject of price right away," related Anderson. "Instead I engaged in an information stage where I learned more about Jackie's background and what she's comfortable with, professionally speaking. This made her feel more at ease and conveyed to me crucial information including the different types of services she is willing to perform."

Anderson also gauged that this would be a friendly negotiation with considerable room for agreement.

"I realized quite early that the ZOPA [Zone of Possible Agreement] here was quite large," stated Anderson. "Therefore, instead of employing an adversarial negotiating style, I chose to be cooperative in order to facilitate a mutually beneficial outcome."

As suggested by Effective Legal Negotiation and Settlement, the text book for Anderson's negotiations course, the 3L analyzed both his and his potential escort's best alternative to a negotiated agreement or BATNA.

"I understood that if this deal didn't come to fruition I would be stuck jerking off in my hotel room while Yacqueline would be out some serious American cash," reasoned Anderson. "I knew that we both wanted this deal."

The law student exploited other more subtle factors to further signal his desire to consummate an agreement.

"I purposefully chose to sit a round table and made sure that my eye contact and posture demonstrated that I was serious about coming to a serious bargain," said Anderson. "I also made sure to recognize Yaqueline's body language which told me that while she was amenable to various kinky arrangements, an oil-covered midget was not one of them."

Anderson added that he remembered to make principled concessions in order demonstrate to the hooker that he wasn't unreasonable or creepy. He recalled that during the talks he promised not to tie her up which made her more willing to "agree to do that thing with the banana, whipped cream and chocolate sauce."

Also crucial to his eventual success, Anderson averred, was that he bargained integratively, always looking for novel, win-win solutions.

"We almost came to an impasse when Yaqueline said she only had an hour free when what I was looking for was at least a two hour party," Anderson remarked. "However, instead of walking away or accepting this sub-optimal outcome I looked for a creative fix and suggested that she bring a friend. As I was taught in negotiations, it's important to invent options for mutual gain."

The two sides then finally broached the issue of price.

"I told her what I wanted and she responded with a very reasonable number," stated the 3L. "An experienced negotiator though never agrees to the first offer so I exuded nonchalance even though I was quite willing to pay what she requested."

After some back and forth, Anderson and the prostitute agreed to a payment as well as the services to be performed. The 3L remarked that he was happy with the deal because he got a lot of he wanted for a good price and that the friendly negotiation created good rapport between him and the whore ensuring mutually beneficial future transactions.

Roger Fisher, co-author of "Getting to Yes," a book about proper negotiating techniques, believes that Anderson's success has important lessons.

"Eric's situation demonstrates that it's not a good idea to shoot one's wad prematurely by accepting a first offer and that it's not always useful to negotiate as if you just wanted to nail the other side," posited Fisher. "Moreover, I am glad to see that this whole process ended with quite a bang."

Author Sends Law Journal Editor Chore List

Student law journal editors are known to have difficult jobs. They spend hours pouring over pieces, rectifying so-called below-the-line citation errors and above-the-line substantive issues. Unlike with most other professional journals, these unpaid students carry the primary burden for article correction and, as a result, authors have been to known submit work desperately in need of revision.

“It’s a shame but the reality of the journal world is that too many authors see law students as their personal slaves and feel it’s acceptable to hand in articles that are utter crap,” remarked Kit Pullman, a frustrated Articles Editor for Duke’s Law and Contemporary Problems (LCP) journal. “I can’t tell you the number of times that pieces have simple grammatical errors, poorly constructed arguments and, worst of all, citations to whole books without a fucking pin cite.”

Pullman and other LCP editors agree that while such author behavior is frustrating it’s not unexpected. On the other hand, UNC Professor Donald Foley took things to a whole other level when he asked Pullman to help him with some “really important chores.”

“I didn’t think the crazy bastard was serious,” stated Pullman who is in charge of editing for LCP Foley’s most recent article on the use of eminent domain in North Carolina. “I mean, I’ve had authors do some unbelievable things - one time a University of Iowa professor asked if I wouldn’t mind writing his conclusion – but this was simply incredible.”

According to the 3L editor, Foley sent the list after receiving initial comments on his draft.

“He said in an e-mail that he appreciated my diligent work on this piece, would incorporate my editorial suggestions and wondered if I wouldn't mind stopping by Harris Teeter to pick up a gallon of milk and some vegetables for a salad he was making that evening,” remembered Pullman. “I guess if you get used to someone doing the bulk of your research and editing it’s not logically inconsistent to expect him or her to do your food shopping, take your mother-in-law to the doctor or wash your dishes.”

The Articles Editor brought the issue to LCP editor-in-chief Brett Youst who said he understood her frustration. He emphasized, however, that Foley was an oft-cited expert in his field and would confer considerable recognition on the journal. Youst therefore urged Pullam to complete the second task on the list – dropping off dry cleaning – before the author decided to withdraw his article.

Compounding the annoyance for Pullman is that the time needed to considerably edit Foley’s piece is being cut into by the author’s errands.

“It’s bad enough that I have to spend hours figuring out how to cite to a 18th century land grant or a German statute emphasizing the sacrosanct nature of private property,” said Pullman, resting her forehand in her hand out of aggravation. “But try doing that on top of picking up Foley’s kid from Kindergarten, making a reservation at his favorite restaurant and going over to his house to let the cable guy in.”

The 3L admitted that she would love to tell the UNC professor to “shove it” but she doesn’t want to get kicked off the journal thus jeopardizing her clerkship and job offer.

“The day can’t come soon enough when I’m done with this stupid journal commitment and the innumerable, thankless hours making other people’s work better,” averred Pullman. “I simply cannot wait until I start working for the judge and then my law firm. In each situation I will be treated with the utmost respect and, most importantly, won’t be doing a bunch of grunt work just so that others can take credit for the finished product."

New York Law Firms Offer Incoming Associates Crash Courses in Judaism

As recent law school graduates begin their stints at New York law firms, they are being asked to attend a variety of trainings ranging from proper research techniques to refreshers on document management systems. After receiving comments from past 1st years, firms have added a new series of classes which will acclimate new employees to one of the starkest transitions associated with law firm life: the incredible number of Jewish people.

"While law school begins to expose students to the legal world's abundance of Jewishness, it doesn't go nearly far enough," remarked Davis Polk & Wardwell hiring partner Daniel Weinstein. "That's why we decided to mandate a Judaism crash course for all our new gentile associates."

Weinstein related that the attempt to get non-Jewish employees familiar with Jewish customs and traditions starts from the very first day.

"It's basically, pick up your Blackberry, get settled in your new office and then proceed to conference room 38A where the 60% of our partners who are Jewish will introduce themselves," said Weinstein.

New York firm White and Case has followed David Polk's lead and has developed a Jew-centered educational program for its first year goys.

"We start with a session explaining holidays like Rosh Hoshanah and Yom Kippur," mentioned White and Case recruiting coordinator Julianne Chase. "We want these new associates to understand why all of sudden in the fall a majority of the firm wasn't at work."

Chase mentioned that another important training involves explaining to confused new associates the strangely harsh sounds sometimes uttered by their colleagues of Jewish backgrounds.

"It's so cute how some 1st years haven't even heard of Yiddish before," said Chase, barely concealing a smile. "After explaining to them that those noises are indeed part of a cognizable language we proceed to introduce key vocabulary such as shvitz, kvetch and chutzpah."

Considering that Jewish culture is considerably food-centric, many firms have been sure to include a session on Jewish cuisine such as bagels and lox, latkas, matzah ball soup and gefilte fish. Similarly, Milbank, Tweed, Hadley & McCloy has even dedicated 20 minutes to explaining that yes Manischewitz is technically considered a wine and yes Jewish people actually enjoying drinking it.

Of particularly relevance to uninformed, non-Jewish first years is an explanation of the sometimes complicated notion of keeping kosher.

"As a non-Jew I really appreciate the tutorial on what it means to be kosher," said Milbank associate Tricia Bryant, a 1st year in real estate. "Now I understand why 3/4 of the department don't eat cheeseburgers, bacon, shrimp and whole host of other awesome, delicious foods."

Bryant added that she is also grateful for explanations of when it's funny to make Nazi jokes, how suffering plays such an important role in Jewish life and why some associates wear "those funny little hats all the time."

Perhaps the most useful insight firms provide during their crash courses concerns the enigmatic figure known as the Jewish mother.

"It is absolutely crucial that we underscore to new associates that Jewish mothers are a unique brand that have a singular impact on their children," stated Weinstein, the Davis Polk partner. "They need to comprehend why so many of their male Jewish colleagues regularly visit psychologists, have women issues and can be guilted into doing almost anything."

Asked whether he thinks these sessions have helped, Fried, Frank, Harris, Shriver & Jacobson 1st year Paul Christiansen was non-committal.

"Oy, I don't have time to talk," said a clearly frazzled Christiansen. "I am absolutely meshuga with work, still need to grab a pastrami sandwich at the deli downstairs and must call my mother back before she starts to worry."

Help, I see Torts Everywhere

Oh my sweet lord, someone please help me. I simply can't stand it anymore. I see potential torts everywhere: at the grocery store, on my way to school, even in my sleep. This isn't what I signed up for when I agreed to come to law school. Someone, anyone make it stop!

Thanks to Torts class I can no longer lead a normal existence. I am constantly worried about bumping into a stranger or poking someone in the eye with my umbrella. Non-law students you don't realize how easy you have it living in your ignorant little world where your untrained eyes fail to notice the world's myriad liabilities and duties.

Forget about being able to visit a relative's house without totally freaking out. Walking up to the front door alone I see numerous torts including negligently uneven walkways, dangerously crooked steps and rusted iron gating, which could easily cause a cut, which almost certainly would lead to an infection, which, in all likelihood, would kill you. And would someone please close that gate to Uncle Larry's pool. God forbid if a neighbor's child wandered in and drowned himself.

I am sure you've noticed that the law school is one gigantic tort. Everyday we have to deal with exposed outlets, slippery floors, sharp-cornered tables, book bags lining classroom aisles and that unnecessarily large and unmanageable speed bump in front of the building. Not to mention legal writing. If that isn't intentional infliction of emotional distress I don't know what is. How am I supposed to learn in an environment such as this where danger lurks around every insufficiently lit corner?

And forget about hosting a party. That idea is so oozing with potential torts that it makes me want to vomit. What if someone slips on spilled beer or hits their head on my Ikea coffee table? What if a guest fails to come with a DD and drives home drunk, killing Bill Gates or ramming into a Mercedes dealership? Each possible scenario is more horrific than the next.

Thanks to my problem I can't even enjoy a baseball game anymore. All I think of when sitting in the stands is the risk I assumed when I bought the ticket. Unlike the thousands of other fans who are enjoying the great pitching duel or the unprecedented offensive display, all I can think of is that if I get hit by a foul ball that's my problem.

Driving a car. Contributory negligence. Telling a friend I think her outfit is atrocious. Negligent infliction of emotional address. Going to the doctor. Medical malpractice. My life is a veritable parade of possible torts. Put me out of my misery, please!

The worst is when I start thinking about whether I may be proximately responsible for someone's injury. What if I, by accident, I knock into a classmate who trips a coffee-carrying professor who ends up spilling the java on a 1Ls' laptop, causing it to short circuit and erase the memo she needs to print out by tomorrow. Not only is that thousands of dollars in physical damage but I can't even begin to fathom the emotional toll. In the end, is that my fault? Was it foreseeable? Fuck you Cardozo and fuck your orbit of danger.

So please give me a lobotomy, slap me silly or do some of that crazy Men in Black mind erasing. You have my informed consent to do anything just as long as from now on I'll be able to live a pleasant, tort-free life.

Break

Due to fall break, Ridiculum will not publish next week. Look for new material starting October 21.

2L Sends Firms Form Rejection Letters

Duke Law School 2L Josephine Harris has had a successful interviewing process. She has received numerous offers from top San Francisco firms and is getting closer to making a final decision concerning her ultimate destination. Making the process more difficult, however, is that Harris, in order to comply with NALP guidelines, must tell certain firms that she is no longer interested in working for them.

"It's like when a really nice, but undesirable, boy asks you to the prom," remarked Harris. "You know you have to eventually turn him down but that doesn't make the inevitable rejection any easier."

After days of putting off calls and convincing themselves that such communication is absolutely necessary, 2Ls like Harris eventually either reach out to one of non-chosen firm's recruiting coordinators or hiring partners to deliver the bad news. The conversations are usually pleasant but according to the students this doesn't lessen the anxiety associated with the process.

As a result, Harris has decided that instead of subjecting herself to a series of awkward communications, she will send firms form rejection letters explaining that she cannot accept their offers.

"I actually got the idea when one day I received 6 cookie cutter rejection letters in the mail, 3 of them actually from different offices of the same firm," stated Harris. "I remember thinking I wish I could reject firms in the same efficient and disingenuous way they reject me."

Harris has already drafted a template that she will use to inform law firms that they are no longer in the running for her services.

"I think it's important to start out positively, to make it seem like you're not totally cold-hearted," related Harris. "You know, something like: 'I would like to express my appreciation for your interest in me and tell you how much I enjoyed meeting you and other members of your firm.'"

The 2L believes that it's also crucial to stress the difficulty of the decision, emphasizing that there are so many excellent firms in the market from which to choose.

"In each letter I am sure to let the firm know that it is highly qualified and that my decision not to include it on my shortlist wasn't easy," said Harris. "I underscore that there are a large number of amazing firms in San Francisco and that each has numerous positive qualities."

Harris has found that it's helpful to personalize the form letter somewhat in order to convince to the recipient that actual thought and care went into the communication.

"To make it seem like I didn't just churn out a template rejection letter I often insert a couple of lines specifically relating to my interview with the rejected firm," stated Harris. "I mention how much I enjoyed hearing about a particular outfit's 'unparalleled project finance group' or 'unforgettable summer outing to Napa Valley.' Firms are sensitive and it's important to handle these situations delicately."

After sufficiently contextualizing the decision and praising the firm, it's time to explicitly give the bad news. According to Harris, at this point in the letter the student needs to politely reject his or her offer even if the sentiment isn't sincere.

"I say something like 'unfortunately I will not be in a position to come out to San Francisco to participate in your 2009 summer clerkship program," said the 2L. "This verbosity masks the fact that what I'm really saying is that you couldn't pay me enough to work at your crappy firm with its chronically depressed lawyers and sweatshop atmosphere."

Harris stresses that right after delivering the bad news it's vital to soften the blow by offering more kind words.

She continued: "Being rejected is tough so I build up the firm's self-esteem by stating: 'Though I concluded that I am unable to entertain your offer at this time, I want you to know that you are a capable, engaging firm that will find many other 2Ls to comprise what I am sure will be a rewarding summer class.'"

The question remains whether recipients of these letters will appreciate the honesty or will react negatively to the form replies?

"Despite the large number of rejections I receive it still pains me to get letters like this," said Pillsbury Winthrop Shaw Pittman recruiting coordinator Sally Debrienza. "I am anxiously awaiting a phone call and instead get this thin envelope filled with a cookie cutter response. Law students can't even begin to imagine how much that hurts."

Friends Urge that 1L Apply Higher Level of Scrutiny to Whom She Sleeps With

Duke Law 1L Veronica Whitestone is known around the law school as someone who isn't very picky when it comes to sleeping with guys. She has hooked up with strangers she meets while going out on Friday and Saturday nights, fellow law students she talks to during bar review and even the occasional law school professor or staff member. As a result, many of Whitestone's friends have urged that the first year student adopt a stricter level of scrutiny when deciding whether to have sex.

"Right now, unfortunately, Veronica has adopted a rationalizing basis test where she gives incredible deference to initial impressions and fanciful hopes," remarked Whitestone's good friend Sofia Bermudez. "As long there seems to be any conceivable reason to sleep with a guy she doesn't second guess."

The result say Bermudez and other friends is that Veronica errs on the side of overinclusion, allowing herself to engage in sexual relations with a whole host of guys including those who sport numerous tattoos, wear too much cologne, work at fast food chain restaurants or wear flip-flops no matter the weather.

"It's as if she's hoping to find the perfect guy," continued Bermudez, "and fears that she'll miss that opportunity by rejecting any living, breathing male's sexual advance."

"The problem is that Ver not only accepts a guy's actual expressed reason for wanting to bone her but also dreams up any conceivable rationale like that he loves her, wants to make her happy or desires to eventually marry her and start a family," stated another Whitestone friend Becky Hoffman. "It's amazing how much she inaccurately reads into a proposed act of copulation."

According to friends, Whitestone does have certain restraints but they are of insufficient restrictiveness.

"It seems the only time she rejects a guy is if he makes a race-based joke or narrow minded comment concerning one's national origin," related Hoffman. "That's a start but certainly not a stringent enough standard."

Indeed many agree that the 1L needs to apply a higher level of scrutiny to whom she sleeps with in order salvage at least a shred of her decency and self-respect.

"While I would much prefer Veronica to strictly vet all potential mates, I realize that's probably hoping for too much," admitted Whitestone's 3L mentor Josh Fisher. "All I am asking for is some form of intermediate scrutiny requiring that before she engage in sexual relations the man involved be at least a) sober b) under 40 and c) not on probation for a felony conviction."

Fisher added that in addition to adopting the aforementioned criteria Whitestone needs to demand that if a man gives a reason for wanting to sleep with her - e.g. that he wants a long-lasting relationship - it must be substantially related to the actual reason he wants tap that ass.

Cindy McNulty, an expert on the female thought process and the author of the best-selling book "Sluts: Why?" believes that Whitestone's story is both all too familiar and unlikely to disappear any time soon.

"Girls like Veronica have long been willing to submit to their whims thus preventing their brains from overriding first, often wrong, instincts," said McNulty. "Unless there is a dramatic realignment of Veronica's thought process she is going to continue slutting it up, applying her low standard in all sorts of cases for years to come."