Stress Epidemic Linked Back to Batch of Tainted 1Ls

Scientists from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) have finally identified the origin of the stress epidemic that has ravaged Duke Law School over the past week or so. According to initial reports, it appears that a virulent strain of nervousness had been incubating within a group of 1Ls and was most likely released when the first years met together at the library.

"After interviewing countless students and conducting advanced forensic analysis, we were able to conclude that the stress currently devastating the law school started the Sunday before last," remarked Beverly Hass, a senior investigator with the CDC's mental anxiety unit. "It appears that a 1L study group got together after they all returned from Thanksgiving break to talk about their upcoming civil procedure exam. The potent, pent-up anxiousness was finally released when the students began talking about how 'freaked out' they were that their first law school test was in little more than a week."

According to Hass, the stress quickly spread to others who were in the library that day. Research shows that the disease is very contagious, able to spread via in person and telephone conversations, e-mail, instant messenger and even body language.

"When I went into the library that Sunday I felt fine," said 1L Teresa Stetzer. "However, after a few hours I began talking with classmates who were incredibly worried about their exams. Then I saw other people who looked like they hadn't slept in days or were about to cry. I guess it was only natural that I caught their stress."

Unfortunately, the CDC has found that the epidemic has spread past the library, infecting common areas, classrooms and other parts of the law school. In order to decrease the likelihood of contamination, health officials recommend staying away from people exhibiting the "classic signs" of exam stress.

"There are a few simple rules that all law students can follow to lessen their chances of falling victim to this awful disease," stated Hass, holding a poster with a number of bullet points. "Do not approach people: 1) Wearing sweatpants or pajamas; 2) Staring blankly at their computer screen; 3) Drinking more than 3 cups of coffee or 4) Repeating 'Oh my God, I am going to fail.'"

So far the raging outbreak has primarily affected 1Ls though some second and third year students have come down with the stress.

"Interestingly, it seems that many 2 and 3L students have built up anxiety tolerance after suffering though similar epidemics during their respective 1L years," concluded Hass, speaking from within the safe confines of her Level A hazmat suit. "Though not universally true, most upperclassmen now have at least a partial immunity that is protecting them from the worst effects of the disease."

Experts predict that eventually the outbreak will subside but for certain students the remission will only be temporary.

"I believe that we will see an decrease in the amount of worry shortly after the last exam," forecasted Dr. Bruce Sanchez, a world-renowned expert in the field of law school epidemiology. "However, for many students, especially 1Ls, this anxiety scourge will resurface shortly before spring semester finals, again claiming hundreds of lives. I pray not only for the victims but for the friends and family who will have to deal with these emotional wrecks."

On the brighter side, Sanchez did mention that there is one possible cure for this veritable plague of misery and apprehension.

"Calmness and its close relative perspective are the only antidotes we've found that successfully combat stress but regrettably they aren't produced in high enough amounts during finals," averred Dr. Sanchez. "If students can somehow manufacture sufficient quantities by seeing movies, hanging around with non-law school friends and realizing they will all likely procure employment then perhaps, just perhaps, this crisis can be controlled if not completely averted."

3L Studying for Final Exam Realizes He Gave Up Caring Halfway Through the Semester

Duke Law 3L Matt Nelson has been taking it easy for the past few days but today finally decided to begin preparing for his upcoming Federal Income Tax exam. After only a few hours of perusing class notes and reviewing assigned readings it became clear to the 3L that the little motivation he initially had quickly disappeared as the semester progressed.

"I was surprised how good my class notes were in the beginning of the year," said Nelson. "I had written down in detail the professor's explanation about what's included in gross income and employer benefits. However, as fall break approached I noticed that my notes became much shorter, sometimes amounting to only a few lines of barely legible chicken scratch. Man, I didn't realize I stopped caring that early."

Nelson underscores that it wasn't only his class notes that tipped him off to his declining ambition.

"In the initial reading assignments there is considerable highlighting, sometimes with notes in the margins," remarked Nelson, remembering what the first section of his textbook looked like. "But as the semester went on not only did the highlighting and annotation decrease but eventually it stopped all together. I guess that's about the time when basketball season started and I began playing Internet poker again."

After Fall Break, the little studiousness and self-respect Nelson had finally vanished, again as evidenced by his class notes. A comprehensive analysis of the 3L's notebook demonstrated that after the 7 week mark Nelson stopped even taking meaningful notes, instead writing down to-do lists, comments on the professor's wardrobe, thoughts about the hottest girls in the class and the best websites he visited while surfing the internet in class. Moreover, Nelson started missing more and more classes as indicated by the high number of pages with only the words "get notes" on them.

The 3L realized that eventually he no longer cared about Fed Tax but didn't fully comprehend just how early he became a slacker.

"If you asked me, I would have said that I surely wasn't as motivated toward the end of the semester as I was in the beginning," admitted Nelson. "But it wasn't until I was confronted by my 1 subject, wide rule notebook that the truth finally hit me: for the past 6 weeks at least I didn't give two shits about personal deductions, capitalization, taxation of the family or anything tax-related."

Compared with other 3Ls, Nelson's lack of care is pretty average. According to publicly available statistics, the standard 3Ls loses motivation after fall break with some never caring to begin with and others only losing their drive with a week or two remaining in the semester.

Regardless of when the third year student stops giving any amount of shit, the conundrum for those who study the issue is why students like Nelson cared in the first place.

"Honestly, I am not sure why I ever was concerned about taking good notes or getting a good grade or even why I am studying now for this exam," stated Nelson. "I guess we law students are programmed to study hard and it isn't easy to ignore that conditioning. But, as God is my witness, I will do everything in my power next semester to stop caring earlier, if I even begin caring at all."

Law Firm To Sponsor 1L Crim Law Final

During these tough economic times it's not only investment banks and major automakers that are feeling the pinch. Law schools around the country are finding it increasingly harder to raise sufficient capital to provide scholarships, attract top notch faculty and make much needed infrastructural improvements. As a result, administrators across the country are actively looking for creative funding solutions.

At Duke University School of Law, Dean Levi has reached out to area law firms in order to raise much needed money. Already the move has borne fruit with one local firm, Gregory &McClinton, agreeing to sponsor this semester's 1L criminal law final.

"Though certainly unorthodox, Gregory and McClinton's sponsorship of an exam will provide the school with resources to continue upgrading our building and paying competitive salaries," remarked Dean Levi. "Desperate times my friends call for desperate measures."

In exchange for an undisclosed sum, the area law firm's logo will appear on every page of the exam, the sponsorship will be mentioned on the blackboard and by the proctor, and promotional stress balls will be given out before the testing begins. Additionally, a firm recruiter will set up a table at the front of the room to advertise thefirm's excellent criminal defense practice, especially in areas such as DWI/DUI, drug crimes and domestic violence.

Perhaps the most interesting result of this novel synergy is that test questions will be reworked to specifically incorporate the Gregory andMcClinton sponsorship. Though the actual exam questions cannot be released due to concerns over cheating, criminal law professor James Coleman has given his students a few practice questions reflective of the new testing style.

One question partially reads: "After learning that his wife has been assaulted, Blint goes into a bar and has too much to drink. He gets into his car, drives for a few blocks and hits a pedestrian crossing the street. Police are called to the scene where they find marijuana in the wrecked car's glove compartment. Blint claims that the drugs are medicinal in nature. You are a lawyer working for the well-known and highly regarded law firm of Gregory andMcClinton , providing individuals, families and businesses in the North Carolina with reliable legal advice for over 15 years. What couldBlint be charged with, what are his defenses and, considering you work for a supremely effective firm, what are the odds of a successful defense?"

Though the dean has claimed that the exam sponsorship is necessary due to the law school's precarious financial situation, students are outraged.

"It's bad enough that we already sell our souls to law firms and let them sponsor almost every event at the law school," remarked 3L NatalieDrews. "But this time Duke has gone too far. What's next: being forced to name our kids Simpson, Gibson, Hogan or Debevoise?"

Despite the criticism, the dean says that the current arrangement, if successful, will likely lead to sponsorships of all 1L tests and possibly every final exam at the school.

"We sell naming rights to everything else at this place - right down to the actual bricks - so I'm not ashamed in the least," remarked a defiant Dean Levi. "In fact, I like Ms.Drews ' suggestion. While I think sponsoring future children may go too far I do believe we can convince firms to sponsor individual students. For example, instead of being known to your professors as 'John Smith', each time you're called in class you'll officially be referred to as 'John Smith, sponsored byLatham and Watkins.' It's brilliant."