Conversations Issue Spotted

One of the most tangible skills that law school imparts is the ability to scrutinize complicated problems and determine the applicable legal solutions. This ability to "issue-spot" is particularly tested on final exams where professors pose long, fact-intensive hypotheticals and ask students, by applying relevant law, to explain potential concerns or give the invented client cogent advice.

The emphasis on this brand of analysis has resulted in a new and, according to some, unfortunate phenomenon where law students increasingly point out what's wrong or questionable about their friends' stories, assertions and remembrances. According to sources, so-called conversation issue spotting is on the rise at institutions all across the country, especially now that 1Ls have completed their first set of exams.

"Though they increasingly featured a lot more case names and jargon, our discussions during 1st semester of law school really weren't that different than any normal chat ," asserted Colleen Calmes, a Duke Law School 1L. "However, starting during finals and worsening as the new semester dragged on, I witnessed people unabashedly drawing attention to all sorts of inconsistencies in classmate statements."

Naturally, much of the critiquing has centered around supposedly weak legal theories and propositions.

"I was sitting in the library and overheard this 1L arguing how Congress should not be overly constrained by the courts when it wants to pass legislation," remembered Talyor Blackwell, a 2L at Duke Law. "She mentioned how 'Scalia's decision in the Bern case was clearly ridiculous and that Congress must be able to pass laws that protect the free exercise of religion.' All of a sudden, a girl at another table interrupts and says quite loudly, 'First, I think you meant the Boerne case; second it was Kennedy not Scalia who authored the Court's opinion; and third free exercise concerns must necessarily be balanced against encroachments upon the Establishment Clause.' I hope my conversations are never issue-spotted like that."

The new form of friend criticism has moved beyond legal claims to encompass a wide variety of pronouncements.

"My friend Anthony kept talking about how he hit it off with this amazingly hot girl the night before at the Environment School/Law School mixer," remarked Alan Verner, a 3L at Harvard Law School. "So I felt it was my duty to issue spot his declaration by pointing out that his inebriation made him barely understandable let alone suave, the girl was barely a 5 out of 10, and the number she gave him was for the local Domino's."

Sources report that these deconstructions have also been applied to affirmations about preferred sports teams, recollections of episodes from TV series and even averments regarding favorite dinner spots. In each instance crushing, detailed logic is used attack arguments such as "UNC is clearly the best team in the ACC," "The funniest Seinfeld episode is the one with the Soup Fascist," and "Why would anyone in their right mind go to Hooters?"

Conversation issue spotting has developed so thoroughly that students are even applying it to relatively minor concerns.

"If one more classmate tries to correct my grammar I am going to lose it," declared Sam Chen, a 2L at the University at Chicago. "I realize that prepositions shouldn't end sentences but I don't need that pointed out to me by every god damn English major gunner in the school."

According to non-law school friends, seeing law students act this way reinforces the decision not to become a lawyer.

"After seeing this behavior from a University of Michigan law student friend of mine, I was glad I chose not to go to law school," stated Ernest Farr, a doctoral candidate in history at the University of Illinois. "Though I won't be making as much money, I much prefer researching and eventually teaching about things like the Alabama Bus Boycott and momentous Greensboro sit-ins."

Stephanie Odierno, a Duke Law 1L, responded that conversation issue spotting is getting a bad rap.

"Critiquing people's assertions keeps me on my toes for exams and ensures the sharpness of my legal analyses," retorted Odierno. "People like that history grad student should stop their judging and stick to their endless research projects. By the way it was the Montgomery Bus Boycott you tool."