Parents Unanimously Vote Against Bailout of Child

Despite impassioned lobbying by their son Dylan, a 1st year law student at Duke University, parents David and Brenda Maloney unanimously voted 2-0 today to deny a requested bailout of approximately $1400. The 1L reportedly lost the considerable sum during winter break while playing in a series of online poker tournaments.

"After a brutal finals period I needed to unwind and usually gambling does the trick," remarked Dylan. "However, after a string of bad cards and even worse beats I lost a assload of money that I need. Without some sort of assistance I'm screwed."

The 1st year related that considering his recently raised rent, his girlfriend's proclivity for fine wine and the two weddings he has to fly out to this semester, his loan money will not be enough to cover costs. Furthermore, considering the recession, it's unclear what, if any, paying jobs will be available for students in Dylan's position.

"I'm told that past 1Ls in my situation could rest easy knowing that summer employment would be available with a firm or some other paying employer," stated the youngest Maloney." However due to the economic downturn, I can't be sure I'll find a job let alone a salaried one. C'mon Ma, Dad I need some money!"

U.S House Speaker Nancy Pelosi supports the Dylan bailout and was dismayed with the Maloneys' decision, particularly considering the role Wall Street has played in the current crisis.

"While Dylan did act irresponsibly the reason he's truly in trouble is because of the reckless and shameful behavior of Wall Street" exclaimed Pelosi. "Without the current economic recession, precipitated I must add by greedy financial firms, Dylan would not be in such dire straits. We must protect the Dylans of the world from falling victim to a global crisis created by much more powerful forces."

Pelosi and other bailout supporters added that giving Dylan the money would also help prevent devastation to businesses that rely on the 1L. They argue that without ensuring his financial stability, local bars, restaurants and other stores would suffer substantially.

"Without Dylan my business would take a substantial hit," related Anthony Grieve, manager of the Erwin Road Chipotle. "That boy's unnatural love for burritos is one of the reasons I can stay in business during these tough economic times. His appetite is too big for him to fail."

Mr. and Mrs. Maloney disagree, arguing that by bailing Dylan out they would only be encouraging more foolish behavior.

"If we give our son the money we are essentially saying that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his reckless actions" emphasized David Maloney, Dylan's father. "Instead, by withholding funds we are encouraging his behavior to self-correct. In other words, let the boy go out and get a goddamn job."

A recent Zogby polls shows that parents overwhelmingly agree with the Maloneys' decision to veto the Dylan rescue package, with 76% of respondents answering "no" to whether they supported a bailout. This, says certain Republicans, further demonstrates the absurdity of government involvement in the markets.

"The American people have spoken and they are sick and tired of rescuing the irresponsible," remarked Alabama Senator Richard Shelby. "As I predicted, once Congress saved Wall Street a deluge of people would be looking for handouts. I say no bailouts for bankers, no bailouts for the auto industry and no bailouts for Dylan Maloney."