After Consulting My Multi-factor Balancing Test, I Have Decided To Sleep with You

As a man and a law student, my decision whether to engage in sexual relations with you is of course thought-provoking and complicated. It involves examining numerous points and counterpoints, sifting through masses of nuanced information to determine if you and I will eventually take part in one of humanity's most intimate acts. Like courts do with complicated bodies of law, I have developed a multi-factor balancing test to decide whether our bodies will touch in the biblical sense. And I must say that after some serious analysis, I have indeed decided to sleep with you.

Your personality is obviously one of the foremost of my considerations. The question that enters my mind is: "Does this young woman possess the vivacity, warmth, and congeniality to inspire the prerequisite connection for making love?" In your case, that lovely smile, that obvious care about the plight of the less fortunate, and ease with which you engage in conversation have convinced me that you are worthy of pursuing carnally.

But my inquiry extends much further. A second crucial factor is intelligence. Especially as a professional student, I appreciate a rigorous mind, a person who can provide novel insights and brilliant disquisitions on a variety topics. For example, I overheard your wonderful explanation of fiduciary duty in the trust context and was so inspired that I almost switched my career path from litigation. In other words, you satisfy this factor without any doubt.

I certainly do not mean to trivialize the wondrous sexual union between a man and a woman with my next factor: physical attractiveness. While countless variables inform a man's overall attraction to a woman, I would be remiss if I failed to mention that one of them is how a potential partner looks. While you certainly would not be mistaken for a model, you possess sufficient cuteness to end up complying with this requirement. It's a close call, though.

There are certain important hurdles, however, that in honesty I must say you did not overcome. Key to my decision-making process is a potential mate's interest in sports. From our one conversation so far at Barrister's Ball it seems you could care less about the Final Four and have only minimal interest in the new baseball season. It also appears that if we began hooking up you would have problems letting me watch crucial sporting matches instead of spending quality time together. No matter how much you love Easter brunch in the park I am not missing the Masters.

A related factor that you fail to satisfy is acceptance of my flaws. Though I haven't revealed any of them to you yet, the way you complain about your ex-boyfriends' idiosyncrasies demonstrates to me that you'll have trouble dealing with my enjoyment of burping, hatred of shopping and inability to share feelings. Also, I really like watching porn.

Like with many judicial balancing tests, no one factor is determinative and not every one must be fulfilled. With that said, there is one standard to which I assign tremendous weight when making the highly involved decision whether to engage in coitus. That factor is willingness. Under the willingness test, your desire to actually have sex with me will likely win out as long as you are not so unattractive that even a few shots of Jose Cuervo can't clear my misgivings. And it seems like you, my slightly inebriated friend, satisfy this factor undoubtedly. As a result, I now hold that I will satisfy you undoubtedly. Judgment so entered.