Jews Still Refuse to Admit Guilt in 2000 Year Old Jesus Murder Case

Though Easter is generally considered a time of celebration and reflection, this year's holiday has brought with it considerable controversy. Partially inspired by the retelling of the Passion story that often occurs during Holy Week, an umbrella group called the Bring the Jews to Justice Coalition (BJJC) has renewed its call to finally prosecute the Jews for allegedly killing God's only son approximately 2009 years ago.

The BJJC filed a civil complaint this morning in the Eastern District of North Carolina alleging 1 count of wrongful deicide, the murder of a god or similar deity, and conspiracy to commit deicide.

"I don't how many times we have to say this but these charges are absolutely baseless," remarked Alan Dershowitz, a Harvard Law Professor and attorney representing the Jews. "Yet again the Jewish people have been made scapegoats, this time for something that happened over 2000 years ago. I am pretty sure that's beyond the statute of limitations."

Thomas Mydans, President of the Bring the Jews to Justice Coalition, retorted that though the alleged killing took place in the past that shouldn't prevent the case from going forward.

"I know that the death of Jesus occurred thousands of years ago but since when is prosecution of murder limited by time?" said Mydans during a recent press conference as he wiped away a tear with his handkerchief. "It's important that this case finally get some resolution and I firmly believe that closure in matters like these has no expiration date!"

This is not the first time the Jews have been accused of murdering Jesus of Nazerth, also known as Jesus Christ. As a result, the Jews were prepared to quickly file court documents replying to the charge that they caused the death of the Christian world's savior.

"I am sorry if this sounds familiar but Jesus was Jewish, his disciples were Jewish and the last supper was a Passover Seder," pointed out Dershowitz, placing his forehead in his hand as a sign of exasperation. "Admittedly, a few Jews may have been involved in Jesus' crucifixion - we all have black sheep in our families - but you can't bring charges against an entire people for something that happened so long ago."

Dershowitz added: "In the alternative, I'd like to proffer that, under a coercion theory, the Romans made us do it."

The Jews' legal counsel have argued that the BJJC's claims are absolutely specious and should be thrown out under Rule 12(b)(6) which directs judges to dismiss claims if there's an insufficient cause of action. The bigger problem, though, is that even if the case is thrown out the Jews still have to worry about the court of public opinion.

According to a survey commissioned by the Anti-Defamation League (ADL), a group dedicated to fighting anti-Semitism, about 25% of Americans still believe that the Jews were responsible for Jesus' murder. While this is a decrease from previous decades and millennia, Jewish leaders like ADL President Abraham Foxman are very concerned.

"The BJJC never thought it has a viable legal case," averred Foxman. "However, they did believe that this execrable lawsuit would further fan the flames of Jew hatred across the country. Unfortunately, despite not accurately presenting the facts, this band of bigots may end up being quite successful. Sound familiar Mel?"

This isn't the first time that Jews have been sued as a group. The Jews have have to defend against charges of blowing up of the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001, inciting both World Wars I and II, using the blood of Christian babies for matzo, "establishing a shadow government run by 300 satans who call themselves 'Elders'" and permitting Rob Schneider to continue making movies.

Despite the outcry from Jewish groups as well as most Christian faiths, accusers point to solid evidence in the bible that depicts Jews as responsible for, or at least complicit in, Jesus' slaying.

"The Gospel of Mark clearly says that the Jews cried out again and again that Jesus should be crucified," stated Mydans, the BJCC president. "Luke, Matthew and John have similar stories. I believe that what lawyers like to call corroborating evidence. Boo yah!"

Dershowitz vehemently disagrees with Mydans, stating that the BJCC in fact has no credible evidence and that the Jews will not admit guilt.

"I must reiterate that the Jews are completely innocent and there is no way we're going to settle," exclaimed Dershowitz. "The other side has no living eyewitnesses, and the accounts they do have all contradict one another. Not only do I believe we will emerge victorious, but I am also confident that by winning this case we will prevent people from blaming the Jews once and for all."