Sheriff: Missing Student Either Dead or a 3L

At a press conference today, Durham County Sheriff Ward Dickey announced that Duke Law School student Jenny Stolberg has gone missing. According to Dickey, classmates haven't seen her around school and it's been 3 days since friends have heard from her. After initial searches proved fruitless, the Sheriff decided to turn the the public.

"Considering the facts on the ground we are quite worried about this missing student," remarked Sheriff Dickey, holding up an enlarged, not awesome photograph of Stolberg from the Duke Law facebook. "Sadly, statistics show that after this much time has passed it's quite likely that we're not looking for a living young woman but a cold, mutilated corpse. Or Jenny could just be a 3L doing her own thing without telling anyone. Whichever."

The Durham Sheriff added that especially considering Stolberg's age and profile - the law student is blond, petite and notably gregarious even with strangers - it's probable that she was a kidnap victim.

"We have found that serial kidnappers often target women that fit Stolberg's description," mentioned Dickey, turning the pages of a gruesome album containing the pictures of local women who have gone missing and were found dead days, weeks and even years later. "Usually these kidnapped girls are used as sexual playthings prior to grisly executions. All that is generally left is the barely recognizable body. This is what we expect happened to Jenny. Or she may be at the beach with her boyfriend from UVA and just forgot to let people know in which case she should turn up safe in sound within a few days."

Before calling the press conference Durham police visited Stolberg's apartment, where she lives alone, to search for clues. According to the authorities, the place looked like it hadn't been touched for ages, telling evidence that the young law student has vanished never to be heard from again or went to Target to restock on chips prior to watching the rest of the three day Sex and the City marathon on TBS.

Jenny's parents, Jacob and Mary Anne, made a heartfelt plea at today's press conference for information that could help find their missing daughter.

"We understand that getting our little baby back alive may be a long shot," uttered Mary Anne Stolberg before letting out a series of sobs. "But try to remember if you've seen her at a truck stop, gas station or fast food restaurant, perhaps accompanied by a shifty-looking individual. Or maybe you've spotted her in Cancun, Miami or San Francisco drinking wine and taking in the sites. She did like to vacation at those places and God knows that, as a 3L with only one exam, she would have the time for an impromptu trip."

Stolberg was last seen outside the law school, visibly upset and holding back tears. The Sheriff's department hypothesized that this could be a sign that she got into a fight with the person who eventually murdered her, engaged in horrid acts of necrophilia with her dead body, and then discarded it in a pit of lye. An alternate theory, stated Dickey, is that the 3L was bummed about the possibility of being deferred and decided to lay low until she could figure out what to do next.

According to the National Center for Missing People, approximately 800,000 people are abducted annually. Many of these victims are never located or at least never found alive. According to National Center for the Study of Law Students, about 800 3Ls a year are thought to have gone missing because they decide not to go to class or take an unplanned holiday. Most of these students turn up within a few days, usually with slight tans and relaxed, nonchalant attitudes.