Students to Graduate with Dishonors

Duke students who perform exceptionally well during their tenure at the law school are recognized with various graduation honors. Since last semester exams still must be graded, the law school has not yet announced the accolade recipients. In the mean time, however, Duke's administration has declared that students who have disgraced the university in some manner will graduate with dishonors. Though specific names have not been released, the school has provided additional information about these new "prizes."

"We are privileged to have had a number of incredibly brilliant, hard working people attend this law school," stated Amanda Lipton, Duke Law School's Dean of Academic Affairs. "Sadly, Duke has also seen its fair share of disinterested, poor performing idlers over these past three years and we're not going to let them get away unnoticed."

Lipton announced that for the first time the law school will spotlight students at graduation whose time at Duke Law was marred by laziness, dubious morality and overall dimwittedness.

"One category of dishonors focuses on students who due to poor attendance, failures to contribute to class discussion and horrible work ethics contributed absolutely nothing to the law school's rigorous intellectual environment," continued Lipton. "And of course we will point out the students with the lowest GPAs to make those who failed to receive academic honors feel better."

Duke administrators report that certain students will graduate with a lack of positive distinction for reasons wholly unrelated to grades.

"The Duke School of Law is firmly committed providing legal services to the less fortunate, stated a passionate Deborah Plamovich, a professor of International Law and member of the administrative committee that selected the students who would receive graduation dishonors. "That is why we decided to shame students who performed minimal or no pro-bono work by letting friends, family and other graduation attendees know about their obvious disregard for the well being of others."

Those planning the law school's graduation emphasized that they chose to single out other students based on apparent deficiencies in moral character.

"An attorney cannot succeed on brains alone; he or she must also have a strong ethical core," asserted Jim Winton, Duke's Assistant Dean of Student Affairs. "The recipients of the immorality dishonor have all demonstrated that they are willing to break any and all rules just to get ahead. If one of these award winners gets disbarred, the only surprising thing would be that he or she got admitted to the bar in the first place."

A final "catchall" dishonor will be given to students who engaged in miscellaneous ignominious behavior over their three years at Duke. After soliciting student input, the selection committee announced that it would recognize one law student who incessantly and creepily hit on girls - earning the nickname "Mr. Grabbyhands" - and another student who constantly shirked his duties while participating in group projects.

Some students reacted negatively to the administration's decision to hand out dishonors at graduation.

"It seems quite unbecoming for a law school to essentially make fun of its graduating students," declared Duke 3L Jan Polaski. "This type of behavior, if engaged in at all, should be relegated to student-selected 3L superlatives."

Duke Law School's dean, who commented on the condition of anonymity, strongly disagreed with Polaski.

"Not only are these dishonors appropriate assessments but they also warn future graduates that with outrageous behavior comes humiliation," asserted the nameless Dean. "Moreover, after seeing how Jan talked with that female Ridiculum reporter, I am pretty sure he is the Mr. Grabbyhands we'll be dishonoring in only a couple of weeks. Figures he's against this."