Reading Above the Law Not Fun Anymore

For years Above the Law (ATL) has provided constant entertainment to lawyers and law students alike. Witty entries and timely posts consistently gave those slogging through due diligence or case briefs a short yet needed respite from their toil. But sources now report that, considering the bad news that's constantly highlighted on the self-proclaimed "legal tabloid," the site is simply not fun to read anymore.

"It used to be that I would click on my abovethelaw.com bookmark and be transported to a website replete with entertaining entries about the legal industry," remembered Monica Zernike, a third year litigation associate in Chicago. "There were all those posts about students having sex with on campus interviewers, people's thoughts about top firms and the stupid stuff summers did. Now I feel like every other story is about how the legal world is quickly imploding. I want the summer-associate-skinning-dipping-in-the-Hudson-River Above the Law, not the current incarnation."

Zernike's sentiments are echoed by associates across the country who wistfully desire a return to when the online legal tabloid was enjoyable to read. These lawyers pine for the days when entries concerned unprecedented salary increases, large bonuses and the overall growth of law firms big and small. It was during these times, relate Above the Law readers, that entertaining stories about gunners who clipped their nails during lunchtime lectures and websites that facilitate lawsuits predominated and made people excited to visit the site.

Now, however, readers are confronted with a website overflowing with bleak, harrowing news. Considering that the spiraling economy has started to take its toll on law firms nationwide, ATL has devoted much more of its coverage to related developments. This, claims readers, "is fucking depressing and not fun for anyone."

"Sure there was the occasional post about stealth layoffs but for the most part ATL developed such a fan base because it entertained the legal masses with juicy gossip and intriguing scandals," stated Jacob Thomas an avid Above the Law browser and 4th year corporate associate. "Currently every freakin post is about law firms dissolving or the firing of countless staff and attorneys. That's not the Above the Law I grew up with."

Erstwhile ATL supporters like Thomas point to the fact that the site now features a "Nationwide Layoff Watch," "Staff Layoff Watch," "International Layoff Watch," "Stealth Layoff Watch" in addition to posts about 3L deferrals and pushed back start dates, shorter 2L summer programs and 1Ls who are not even being offered employment. The tabloid also publishes new columns concerning what to do when terminated and how already laid off attorneys are handling themselves.

"Above the Law has even teamed up with another site to bring us up-to-the-minute charts about how many people have been fired," continued Thomas. "Do we really need visual aids to supplement the 5 daily entries already describing how the legal industry is up shit's creek without a paddle?"

Those interviewed say that despite the morbid nature of Above the Law they nonetheless regularly peruse the site, a fact which is confirmed by the blog's high visitor traffic.

"Sure I continue to read ATL; in fact, I probably go there more often just to check whether I still have a job this fall," admitted Dominique Rhodes, a Northwestern University 3L. "However I certainly don't enjoy surfing the site anymore. It's more like a vigil; I am just waiting around for my offer to die."

While readers admit that there are still some hidden gems on ATL - examples pointed to included a judge who tackled a courtroom suspect and a University of North Carolina law student seeking an alternative career as a Playboy pinup - they strongly contend that there needs to be more comedic material.

"Especially during rough times, it is incumbent on Above the Law not to bury the funny / awesome but to accentuate it," remarked Chuck Stultz, a 3L at Duke Law School who still hasn't heard from his employer about his start date. "I don't want to be reminded about how bad things are; I want to be distracted from those things. What we need is fewer entries about insolvent firms and a tanking economy and more posts like the one about the 1L who kicked the crap out of a mugger trying to steal a laptop with the student's case briefs on them. Haha, stupid, hilarious 1Ls."

Law Schools Urge Students to go Pro in Something other than the Law

Reflecting the fact that legal jobs are becoming substantially harder to obtain, top law schools across the country have mounted an unprecedented education campaign to convince their first and second year students to go pro in a field other than the law.

"Countless students dream about the opportunity to become a professional lawyer, especially considering the lucrative salaries," stated Reggie Paltz, Dean of Cornell's law school. "It's fine to dream but young people must appreciate that, considering the current economy, turning pro cannot be one's only option."

As is chronicled on websites like lawshucks.com, being a professional lawyer is harder than ever considering that many firms are conducting large scale attorney layoffs. Certain firms have even decided to defer for 1-2 years the new lawyers they drafted during the recruiting process last fall.

Law schools are attempting to use their educational campaign to highlight the legal industry's current instability and change law student attitudes.

"The countless e-mails, lunchtime talks and flyers are all meant to convince students that law school can no longer be seen solely as a stepping stone to the professional ranks," remarked Andrew Wolfe, the head of Vanderbilt Law School's Career Services Office. "Instead, we're hoping to convey the message that law school is an opportunity to gain a broad-based education that will qualify you for countless jobs beyond those as a professional lawyer."

Wolfe underscores that the JD's flexibility means that graduates will be prepared for jobs in politics, government, business and sports athlete representation. Additionally, he points out that for 3Ls, particularly extravagant summer experiences have probably groomed these students for employment as event planners, bartenders and, depending on the quality of the firm's cooking demonstration, chefs.

Even if students are completely dissuaded from turning pro, law schools hope that expectations will be limited.

"I realize that lure of becoming a professional lawyer, no matter how minuscule the odds, can never be totally diminished," admitted Sally Longest, Dean of the Fordham University School of Law in New York. "Therefore we are trying to at least limit expectations by emphasizing the available minor league options. Smaller firms that weren't inexorably tied to Wall Street, public interest jobs, government employment: while these certainly don't pay as well nor have the same appeal as a big time law job they be the only viable choices left for those who are, for some reason, still committed to being lawyers."

As part of their campaign, law schools have commissioned a series of 30 second ads targeted at current and soon-to-be law students. Inspired by the ESPN commercials depicting student athletes who are planning careers in areas other than sports, the spots will feature students engaging in typical legal activities while simultaneously performing tasks associated with non-legal professions. For example, one ad has a student highlighting a case with his left hand while shaking on a real estate deal with his right. Another shows a student engaged in oral advocacy with half the screen depicting a moot court competition and the other half a crowd of political supporters.

Most agree that even if current law students aren't affected by the outreach, the campaign will still be successful if younger, more impressionable minds, are changed.

"This whole thing is really directed to all those kids who to grow up wishing they were wealthy professional lawyers," related Jim Lyons, executive director of the National Association for Law Placement (NALP), a major supporter of the educational effort. "If we can convince even one young boy or girl to focus his or her efforts on something other than reaching the legal big leagues then we have done our jobs."

Fantasy Gunner League Rekindles 1L's Interest in Class

During his first semester, Duke Law School 1L Eric Herril casually listened in class but certainly didn't follow the action with any degree of closeness. He found the material somewhat interesting but was often overwhelmed by how much there was to know.

"Sure I had a few favorite cases that I really paid attention to but the rest of the time I just zoned out," admitted Herril. "That all changed when my friend Zack Webster introduced me to the concept of the fantasy gunner league."

Fantasy gunner leagues (FGL) consist of groups of students who divvy up the gunners in their class and then get points depending on how well their chosen gunners perform.

"At the beginning of the semester we had a draft where we choose our team of gunners," related Herril, showing the piece of paper he used to rank his picks. "My strategy wasn't to land the star gunners but to field a team of solid, consistently-performing prospects."

Like other fantasy leagues, FGLs assign points depending on the drafted player's performance. Herril mentioned that his league started from the premise that every time a gunner on your team spoke you received a point. To make things more interesting, however, the group decided to award points for other achievements.

"We actually had quite a complex scoring methodology," remarked the Duke 1L. "You would get two points if your gunner interrupted the professor. You got points for the total time a gunner's hand was raised, including a bonus if the gunner made noises to attract attention or propped up his or her arm by the elbow. And that's not all. Included in our system is a reward if your player audibly grunts in response to a stupid classmate question or if he or she is told to shut up."

Fantasy gunner enthusiasts point out that points are dependent on both a gunner's offensive and defensive skills.

"While your gunner's ability to talk is certainly one key to winning the league, it isn't the only consideration," explained Zack Webster,Herril's friend who started the fantasy gunner league. "The scoring system puts a lot of emphasis on defensive ability so, for example, if your gunner deflects attention away from another gunner and gets the professor to call on him instead that garners you a lot of points."

One of the reasons that FGLs have caught on is that they are constantly updated and allow participants to change their teams in response to conditions on the ground. League standings are published online and are updated after every class. Additionally, team captains, known as general managers, can substitute in backup gunners when their starters aren't performing well or get injured.

"I remember in Torts that one of my best gunners wasn't being called on so he kept stretching his arm to get the prof's attention," remembered Herril. "I guess all that strain resulted in a tear of the shoulder muscle, what we commonly refer to as gunneritis. Anyway, because I saw that injury I was able to substitute him out before Crim Law and avoid losing a whole bunch of points."

Now that Herril is an active league participant he says that has become a much more avid fan of law school.

"Thanks to fantasy gunner I pay tons more attention in class now," stated Herril while looking his league's standings on his computer screen. "Since I need to constantly follow what gunners are saying - and since gunners are the ones who always speak - I feel like I now really grasp what's going on."

With only a few more weeks to go before the playoffs, the 1Ls in the Duke fantasy gunner league are jockeying for position so that they can be one of 4 teams to compete in the post season.

"Right now I am just out of the running in 5th place," said Herril. "However, in Con Law today my best performing gunner not only told the professor he was "seriously mistaken" but made a girl cry when he laughed at her incorrect response during a cold call. A performance like that should be enough to catapult me into the playoffs, no doubt about it."

Republicans Criticize President Obama's March Madness Picks As "Clearly Political"

As a candidate for office, Barak Obama declared that he would put the needs of the country ahead of politics. And as President Obama has repeatedly stated that his policies are not beholden to the wishes of the Democratic Party but rather reflective of what's best for all Americans. The President's claim that he's apolitical, however, has been recently challenged by a number of Republicans who point to his March Madness bracket as "clearly and undeniably the product of political calculations."

Specifically, Obama detractors underscore that the President's picks to win the various games that comprise the men's college basketball championship almost always favor schools from swing states.

"The President portrays himself as a man above politics," stated Sen. Charles Grassley of Iowa pointing to a blown up image of President Obama's bracket from ESPN.com. "But VCU [Virginia Commonwealth University] over UCLA. C'mon that just smacks of pandering."

Grassley was referring to the fact that when faced with a choice between two schools, Obama more times than not chose the one located in a swing state. He pointed out that this obvious political maneuvering occurred most often when the President picked upsets, situations where the lower seeded team was predicted to beat the higher seeded team.

According to an in-depth analysis commissioned by the GOP, Obama picked 9 seed Butler, which is based in the swing state of Indiana, over Louisiana State, located in the heart of a red state. Similarly, the President chose West Lafayette, Indiana-based Purdue (5) over Washington (4). Obama, claims the report, also predicted North Carolina (1) to beat Louisville (1) - a minor upset based on the current AP poll - because North Carolina is important to a 2012 run while Kentucky is not.

"It is clear that even while participating in the simple task of making a bracket our new president can't help but make carefully calculated, political picks," averred GOP Chairman Michael Steele. "It's sad that the President has sullied March Madness, one of the greatest American pastimes, by unabashedly politicizing the entire thing. This is not something that John McCain would have done."

Speaking of the former presidential candidate and Arizona Senator, Steele added: "Plus Obama had #11 Temple beating #6 Arizona State which was not only a clear nod to the swing state of Pennsylvania but an obvious and shameful dig at Senator McCain, one of this nation's greatest war heroes."

Republicans are carefully monitoring the President's other sports predictions in order to further prove their theory that Obama can't help but inject politics into everything he does.

"The NHL [National Hockey League] playoffs are beginning soon and you can bet that we will be vigilantly watching the President's picks," stated commentator Rush Limbaugh on his popular afternoon radio program. "Though knowing Obama's political nature, it's obvious that he is going to have current 6 seed Pittsburgh meeting fellow underdog Columbus in the Stanley Cup finals. Who he picks to eventually win the whole thing will probably depend on the polling data from that day."

"If Obama is going to mix politics with hoops how can we believe him when he says his budgetary decisions and foreign policy are not influenced by nefarious forces like beltway insiders, party hacks and Nancy Pelosi," continued Limbaugh. "People who put politics above everything else are disgusting, simple as that."

Democrats have responded to the Republican offensive stating that not only is the President's bracket wholly unpolitical but the GOP's attack shows that they are uninterested in constructively contributing to the national dialogue.

"Once again Republicans have shown their true colors by attacking something as silly as President Obama's basketball picks in order to distract the American people from the nation's more pressing concerns," remarked Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "Moreover, I know for a fact that Limbaugh made a number of stupid predictions - who in their right mind would have Mississippi State in the Sweet Sixteen? - and is probably just sore that the President is roundly beating him in ESPN.com's Tournament Challenge."

Law Student Gets Reputation as Great Lay Witness

Over the past few weeks, those in Duke Law School's various Trial Practice classes have had to conduct extensive mock trials as their final project. Not only have these students prepared exhibits, argued motions and designed overall trial strategies, but they have also had to find and prepare witnesses.

As a result, Trial Practice participants have turned to their classmates to play the role of plaintiff, defendant, police officer, store owner and the various other characters that are part of these trials.

"I remember I was asked by my friend Blake [Moneta] if I could help him out by being the plaintiff Jesse MacIntyre in his trial," remember Duke 2L Claudia Weir. "Jesse was a poor housekeeper who, after being accused of stealing an expensive piece of jewelry by her rich employer, brought a civil suit for slander. The whole thing sounded like fun so I agreed."

After a few hours of reading the fact pattern and being prepped by Moneta, Weir was ready to testify. According to reports she performed incredibly.

"Oh my God, Claudia was out of this world as Jesse," proclaimed Moneta, breathing heavily due to his excitement. "She simply looked amazing tonight with her modest yet flattering dress and her minimal, though appealing, makeup. The jury couldn't help but find her credible."

"But as anyone who has experience knows," continued Moneta, "trials are more than just how a witness looks - it's about how a witness performs. Claudia played the part of Jesse beautifully, pausing for effect, dealing expertly with cross, and even crying when I brought up the painful incident of being accused of theft. I am on the mock trial team and can say without a doubt that Claudia's performance today makes her one of the best lay witnesses I've ever had."

After that first trial, Claudia's reputation as a tremendous lay witness spread throughout the law school.

"I remember hearing students whispering in the halls about how amazing Claudia is on the stand," stated 3L Amelia McAllaster. "Of course those students who had yet to find witnesses for their trials heard this and wanted her badly."

According to McAllaster, Weir was propositioned constantly to testify at various mock trials. She was approached at school, sports events and even during bar review. Sources report that some of the most desperate students promised Weir free food or other favors in exchange for doing what she does best.

"This one night while we were all bowling and this sad looking 3L comes up to Claudia and asks her to be his Brooke Thompson, a woman whose stepdaughter was allegedly murdered by the defendant, the daughter's angry ex-husband," recalled Jenny Chung, one of Claudia's bowling teammates. "Since Claudia was super busy and this dude looked like a total loser she of course said no. Even after being rejected, this pathetic waste of space began to beg and plead, even, get this, offering Claudia cash to play the part. It's amazing what guys will do for a lay witness."

Weir has been flattered that people have sought her out for their mock trials but worries that she is being pigeonholed.

"While I appreciate that I am getting all this attention, it has become a bit awkward being known as the girl who really knows how to perform in court," admitted Weir. "I do hope that people realize that I am more than just my perfectly presented demeanor, impeccable timing, and uncanny ability to extemporize."

Native Pro Bono Lawyers Decry Influx of New, Eager-to-Work Attorneys

As those who follow news headlines and postings on Above the Law already know, the legal industry has been hit hard by the current economic crisis. With the collapse of the financial and housing markets, numerous corporate firms have had to cut back, laying off thousands of staff and attorneys. Also affected have been law students whose offers to these firms have been delayed because there simply isn't enough money to pay the six figure salaries.

Instead of outright firing low and mid-level attorneys, law firms across the country have been offering young lawyers a fraction of their old salary if they agree to work for legal aid or other pro-bono organizations. Many see this as an unexpected, though welcome, development.

"While I couldn't have predicted that it would take an economic crisis to get lawyers to participate in public interest work I am glad that this downturn has at least one silver lining," said Jackie Dura, the Dean of Pro-Bono and Public Interest at Duke School of Law. "This year will be a great opportunity for firm-bound students to see what working at a public interest job is like."

Despite the enthusiasm of Dura and other advocates, a backlash has developed among native public interest lawyers who see this new crop of attorneys as "dangerous interlopers" who, because they will work for almost nothing, are a real threat to "steal countless jobs."

"I don't like these new people one bit," exclaimed Jeremy Sanchez, a 20 year veteran of Boston's Legal Aid office. "How am I and other blue-blooded public interest lawyers supposed to keep our jobs when, because of law firm programs, people are able to work in public service for little to no salary? We need to stop these people from immigrating into our section of the profession."

What irks Sanchez and many like him is that unlike the displaced lawyers, they and their ancestors have toiled away in the public interest sector for generations.

"My father worked in legal aid as did his father before him," continued Sanchez. "I, therefore, am upholding a noble tradition while these big law castaways are simply intruders who know nothing about what it takes to provide legal services to the poor and indigent."

For these nativists, a key concern is ensuring that the public service culture isn't corrupted by the influx of new lawyers with different values.

"One of the reasons that public interest work has thrived over the years is that we have a strong culture dedicated to helping people regardless of their means," remarked Edmund Calmes, president of the Hourmen, a group that advocates for a strong boundary between corporate lawyers, who are used to charging by the hour, and their public interest counterparts who supposedly care more about helping people than billings. "This new crop though, only cares about working until they can go back to their fancy Wall Street homeland with its greedy corporate clients. We don't need nor want that type of lawyer helping us."

While he understands the nativists concerns, American Bar Association President Tommy Wells believes that corporate lawyers working for the public good is a wonderful thing.

"Due to the current economy, death penalty reform groups, civil rights organizations and foreclosure assistance projects are hurting for funding and resources," argued Wells. "I believe that having eager, smart lawyers at their disposal will help these groups overall. We must think beyond the needs of the few and consider the good of the many."

Hourmen president Edmund Calmes couldn't disagree more.

"There used to be a clear border between white shoe corporate law and legal work in the public interest," declared Calmes emphatically. "With these new, perverse incentives, however, almost anyone can cross over from working at a firm into our line of lawyering. What we need are tighter controls that will prevent these Armani suit-wearing yuppies from entering our profession and ruining our sacred, principled way of life.

Spring Break

Because the author of this blog will be spending March 8 - 15 at a lovely all-inclusive resort for Spring Break the next issue of Ridiculum will be published on March 17th.

Law Student Busy Training Liver for Spring Break

In less than a week, Duke University School of Law 2L Gina Vitello will be traveling to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico for Spring Break. Considering that she has to complete a mock trial and a Security Regulations memo prior to leaving, the second year is especially anxious to get away from law school, albeit temporarily.

Not only is Vitello ready to relax in Mexico but according to the 2L she plans to "drink [her] face off while there."

"For some reason professors love assigning work that is due right before Spring Break," said Vitello. "Therefore, when I am done with everything and enjoying my already included Coronas, pina coladas and rum and cokes I am going to make it count. In other words, I want to be able to drink heavily the entire 7 days and not crumple as the finish line comes into view 2 or 3 days out."

The second year Duke student often ran long distances before law school and learned that in order to tackle foreboding physical tasks one needs to start out small.

"I remember training for the New York Marathon when I worked as a paralegal," mentioned Vitello, proceeding to describe the intensity with which she dedicated herself to the endeavor. "At first I started with 5 mile runs, then 10 mile runs and eventually I got myself into the shape necessary to finish the whole 26 miles."

"The same is true with a drinking marathon," added the 2L. "One cannot expect to be able to imbibe copiously for an entire week without the necessary preparation."

According to Vitello, she developed a comprehensive regimen specifically targeted to making sure that she'd be able to consume countless daiquiris, bahama mamas and shots of tequila without faltering. In January, Vitello started simply, drinking 2 alcoholic mixed drinks every day for a couple of weeks. Then in the beginning of February she upped the amount to 3 daily cocktails. However, the most rigorous training started as the middle of the month approached.

"I remember I really began practicing strenuously right around President's day," recollected the 2L as she sipped a potent blend of peach schnapps, vodka, cranberry juice, orange juice and pineapple juice. "It was about then that I pushed my liver hard, incorporating shots into my daily routine."

As demonstrated by the range of her drink choices, Vitello made sure to consume a wide variety of spirits, often combining then or drinking them one right after the other.

"One of my greatest weaknesses as a drinker is when, over the course of a night, I start mixing alcohols," admitted Vitello. "Therefore I tried to prevent potentially debilitating sickness or stomach pumping by getting my body used to a constant infusion of gin, rum, vodka, whiskey, wine and beer. One never knows what mixture of booze she will be confronted with during actual binging."

The Duke 2L's concern about not being able to finish the 7 day event is apparently not mere conjecture. According to Vitello, her last spring break nearly proved catastrophic due to a lack of serious pre-vacation prepping.

"Me and a bunch of girl friends went to Florida for break last year and I barely took the time to train for the heavy drinking we were certain to do," related an ashamed Vitello. "Not only did I end up passing out or throwing up each of the first 4 nights, but by day 5 I didn't even have the stomach to continue getting wasted. That is a tragedy I hope never to repeat."

Considering that Vitello's resort this year is of an all-you-can-drink variety, she plans to be in a position to take full advantage.

"I think my extensive training this year will do the trick," remarked the 2L, slurring her words slightly due to the two margaritas she consumed during the span of her 30 minute interview. "My mind is focused, my heart is in this and most importantly my liver is ready to handle whatever I throw at it. I am confident that when I board that plane back to North Carolina not only will I have engaged in 7 days of continuous drinking but I will be asking the flight attendant to bring me some cranberry juice and as many little bottles of vodka as she can find."

3L Submits his Letter of Resignation

In a move that has surprised many of his classmates, Duke Law school 3L Ross Norris submitted his letter of resignation today. Apparently Norris became so fed up his role as a third year law student that he spontaneously decided to quit.

"Ross kept telling me how he was sick of classes, that he had no motivation to continue working," mentioned Michelle O'Connor one of Norris' friends. "I guess it makes sense that he had to leave before he went nuts."

Norris apprised both the school and friends of his decision to resign in e-mail that many described as "astonishingly honest." In the correspondence, the 3L related that he no longer received any joy from his law school work. He complained that the hours were long, the assignments were unfulfilling and the professors couldn't care less about him as a person. Quite frankly, he stated that he was particularly bothered by "brown nosing" classmates who cared more about impressing those in charge than actually doing good work. At the end of the email Norris remarked, "Effective 5:00 p.m. today I hereby resign from my position as a third year student at Duke University School of Law. Fuck you all."

Despite the shocking nature of Norris' departure, some said that in retrospect it really isn't that astounding that the 3L took his leave.

"As far back as the beginning of 1L year I remember Ross complaining about being a law student," remembered Natesh Khan, a student in Norris' section. "He always told me how he thought the work was boring and the time commitment overly intense. Perhaps the only surprise is that he lasted this long."

Sources report that despite the 3L's dislike of law school, he continued working because not only did he hope things would improve but that there were aspects of the role that he enjoyed.

"I remember Ross telling me how he appreciated law school because it enabled him to make close friends who he'd always cherish," stated Eric Wilson, one of Norris' closest buddies. "However, as he got closer to quitting I noticed that he'd often jokingly ask me, 'I'd still see you a bunch if I left law school. It's not like we need this place to be friends, right?'"

Wilson added that while he didn't know Norris would quit he did see certain, unmistakable signs of unhappiness.

"As this semester wore on, I noticed that Ross became more and more despondent," said Norris' friend. "While doing group assignments he barely paid attention. He no longer had that sparkle in his eye when discussing Supreme Court decisions. Response papers were always accompanied with loud grunts of annoyance. He was essentially just going through the motions, doing enough to not get kicked out. Eventually he realized that he just couldn't take it anymore."

Apparently, the event that sent the 3L over the edge was a chastising e-mail that he and his classmates in Advanced Legal Writing all received from their professor.

"I believe Ross was really pissed off last week after we got this e-mail from Professor Sands criticizing us for handing in our assignments late," averred fellow LAW 243.35 classmate Melanie Sack. "The Professor's e-mail kept mentioning how unprofessional it was to disregard deadlines, especially for upperclassmen who should know better. I think the fact the class was the furthest thing from professional - the lectures were mostly about grammar any middle schooler should know and the assignments were utterly pointless - angered Ross so much that he just snapped. I really don't blame the guy. In fact, I wish I had the cajones to do the same thing."

As this article was about to go to print, Ross Norris was finally reached for a comment.

"Ever since sending in my notice, I have been a new man," exclaimed a clearly joyful and somewhat tanned Norris. "Finally, I have the time to do some traveling, read books that have sat on my shelf forever and just generally take care of myself. I definitely should have quit sooner."